I thought I might just be growing up, and those words hurt, because
my asshole of an ex-boyfriend used them on me when he threw my rejection
of his friendship back in my face.
Just part of growing up, he said, to not have time for friends
anymore, anyway. Have a nice life [of growing up and not having time or
place in your life for me. Have a nice life of being cold. Have a nice
life of believing what we had was a waste of your time. Have a nice life
of trying to forget about me after I said you'll be in my heart always.
Have a nice life of growing up closed off. Have a nice life of wasting
my time, too, then, if it wasn't any good to you].
ALL LIES.
I'm not cold, am I? Am I too closed off? I don't believe I'm cold. I
don't believe I'm closed off. I'm only closed off to people who make me
feel like I'm not good enough for them when I'm just being me. Because I
don't instantly become friends with everybody. Because I don't give
them sex because they want to become closer, because they think we like
each other enough. If I am not good enough for someone because of their
arbitrary, immoral standards, that is their problem and NOT mine.
YOU ARE NOT MY PROBLEM.
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Sigh. Sorry about that, folks. I just needed to get it out. This came out of a freewrite I did today to try to make some headway on an assignment for Creative Writing, and suddenly I stumbled over the first line, and I started to cry. And I didn't want to continue, because I didn't want to cry in a public place. But I did it anyway, because I didn't think I could heal from it if I didn't explore it. So here we are. I thought of making it a Note on Facebook because it's not exactly a blog post. But I have too many FB friends who also like my ex-boyfriend. I don't really feel like creating any more tension than there already may be. So you get to deal with me being thirteen, today.
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