Things About the Last Two Months

Uhhhhhh wow, you guys. Umm... Where do I start?

Well, I can always start with declaring that I have never been so run-into-the-ground busy like I have been the past few weeks.

Things were fine until I finally got hired for a part-time job.

(It's a cashiering job, seasonal, through February. Maybe not the best I could have gotten, but I'd been scouting since summer and not only did they interview me, but they practically hired me on the spot. That's gold, you guys.)

I'm not complaining about having income – I like having income more than I like not having income.

But I know things (such as getting all my homework and studying done that I need to on time) would be a lot easier if I didn't lose three days in a row to six-seven hour shifts...

Somehow, I'm doing it. But I have a physics exam on Tuesday that I have not been able to study for because I've been working on other things, and, well. I feel like I might do okay after a recap of all things physics that we've done this semester, which does happen to be occurring in lecture tomorrow, so...

And then on Friday I have a paper due that was set for Wednesday, and I was this close to not getting that meager extension because we've had almost a month already to work on it.

Really, it was kind of useless to ask for until Monday or something, for that, cos I work Saturday through Monday. I've got a pretty good start on my physics lab writeup that'll be due Thursday, and the chemistry lab writeup won't be due until the Thursday after that.

Don't even ask me about my biology homework that really hasn't been touched, and it's due in two weeks, and I've had nearly a month now to work on that.

Guys, this is the size of my life right now, and it's stuffed to overflowing with homework.

(Who am I addressing when I say "you guys"? I don't know. Certainly not the huddled masses. Holla if you read! Or maybe not – I may become self-conscious.)

On that note, um, I have a Fitblr now, if anyone's incredibly curious for updates on my fitness journey (tied in with my AdvoJourney since I started on Performance Elite products back in September); that's a far better place to get updates. I'm not able to work out as much anymore cos I just have so much to do, but I'm fortunately 90% of the time able to eat very clean (I'm sort of at the mercy of what SMU decides to serve me, most of the time, and though they've gotten a lot better about allergen labeling on the entrees and such, it's still not quite perfect), and MNS-C among other products are helping to keep my eating habits under control, so I don't want to eat any more than I actually need to. Yay.

That said: nearly two months of working out, plus AdvoCare, and you guys; I have muscle tone all over my body for the first time in my life. You don't know how spectacular that is to me.

I don't yet have the definition that I'm seeking, but that will come in time. There are still seven-nine months until the weather will be warm enough for tank tops and shorts again, and I will definitely be ready for it this time!

I am going to do this. I'm going to actually do this. I'm so excited.

So, yeah; classes and homework, work, and working out when I can squeeze it in. Holy crap, that's a lot of applications of "work."

That's my life. I don't think I love it. But I'm gonna get through it.

Until next time.

Take care!

~Sarah

LeTumblr

Crazy Fear

Back on campus for nearly a week, now. Almost feels like summer break never happened...

 –

I've been reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love for the past couple days. My uni schedule this semester allows for at least half an hour or an hour of reading between breakfast and my first class, most days of the week. This book has been rocking me -- I would make notes all over the pages if it was my own copy, but as it happens, I am borrowing it from a friend. So sticky notes will have to do.

This book has also been a seriously disrupting wake-up call, to the extent that it forces me to face what I know has been wrong for a long time. If you haven't read the book already, Chan devotes an entire chapter to describing the "lukewarm" Christian. The one who goes to church once in a while, does "Christian" things, and will say they believe in Jesus, but then don't follow through with the endlessly chasing after Him and loving Him completely, like you would if you really did believe in Jesus and what His crucifixion means.

I have been a lukewarm Christian, and I have been so for a long, long time.

I knew it when I stopped getting so many prophetic images in my head. The past winter, I was practically on fire with them, when I worshiped and when I had intimate conversations with people. But then it started to peter off, and I can think of many reasons why that might have happened.

1 - Uncomfortable truths about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and the aftermath, were being dragged into the light. It's a first-world problem, but I've had not really good luck in the romantic relationship department, and it's really hard for me to have a charitable view of any man outside my circle. The break-up itself wasn't that explosive, but the months following just about ruined me. I had buried it as best I could, but erosion brought it all up again.

2 - At the same time as this, I was reeling from attacks of anxiety about the future, in multiple dimensions. I don't know if it was some bizarre way of the "2012" culture getting to me, but I couldn't go one day without thinking "What if--?"

3 - I've been growing more distant from my parents since I've started living on campus for college. When I go home for summer, I don't feel so close to them. I still have talks with Dad, but I can rarely have a conversation with Mom anymore without inadvertently saying something that raises her hackles at me. My love for my parents doesn't feel so desperate anymore, and that's cooled love I felt anywhere else -- including for God.

My job is to love God, and to love others, and I haven't been doing much of either.

If love is supposed to be like a river, then I feel like my love is a river that's been dammed. And it hurts, sometimes. And I'm the one who's keeping it there.

I judge. I'm selfish. I'm self-centered. I hold grudges to a person's face even if I say in my solitude that I've forgiven them.

I project things onto myself that probably aren't true. I purposefully exclude myself. I come up with reasons that someone in particular might not want me around. They have homework; they have work work; they have other friends they'd rather hang out with; they have a boyfriend or girlfriend they haven't spent time with in ages; I'm not their best friend, and they'd rather hang out with their best friend.

I don't tell myself I don't contribute anything once another friend takes over the conversation. I feel like I have no influence, without nagging or guilt-tripping someone for ignoring me. I don't want to bother anyone.

I resign myself to solitude. But I don't want to live my life alone.

–

Jesus didn't do that. He knew whether anyone really wanted Him around, but He never let that stop Him from doing what He wanted. He would have presence whether it was a "good time" or not. His love never paused, stopped, or ran out.

–

So how do I break that dam across my heart?

I know I need to take this to God. But I don't, because I'm scared of what I might find out, and that fear always holds me back. I am meant to fear God as I love Him – but I do not love Him as I am meant to, which is fully, completely, essentially; so I don't fear Him as the One who can take my life with my next breath.

Instead, I fear the repercussions of the secular world. I fear what might happen if I stop taking refuge in what I have to concern myself with – school, money, finding a job – and run head-first into Him. I know that the Bible says He will cover me in a all ways. But I don't believe that in my heart. I have faith that He will carry me through, but not enough faith to let go of the ground.

Even now, I'm seeking distractions from this important reflection because I'm scared of the tears that I know will come out of the uncomfortable truths. I'm not scared enough of what will happen if I don't give everything up for Him. Why, when I know and have seen what happens in the lives of those who devote their very existence to worshiping and following Jesus?

I would ask for prayers, but my heart doesn't believe they can do anything. And this is a huge problem that definitely needs some prayer.

AdvoCare: After the 24 Day Challenge -- Report Card

I finished the Challenge on Sunday. No after picture cos you can't see any big difference yet – although I lost another two inches over my body, give or take half an inch. And that's okay. I can't give a weight at the moment because still no one has replaced the batteries in the scale. Because of reasons I probably oughtn't know how much I weigh now anyway; it's another point of data I don't need to obsess over (not to mention I just got off menstruation – hooray, hormone replacement therapy; couldn't even be bothered to make my bust more proportionate to my body while making life hell again – guess where I lost part of those two inches?). If pressed, I will admit I'm a bit discouraged that I don't have the results I wanted to see, but as I just said: that's okay. Cos those results I wanted to see, how I looked last winter? People thought I looked unhealthy. I don't want that. I want people to see glowing and strong and together, not a beanpole barely hanging on and overly restricting herself to maintain it.

I'm continuing on the MNS C for now, and I have Spark, and now Carb-Ease Plus for those (increasingly uncommon!) "I just want some ice cream and by golly I'm gonna eat ice cream" (or "Dangit my parents made pasta again" or "I think I'll bake cookies today...") moments. I forgot to reorder Catalyst, but I figure I eat enough protein that I'll be okay until I have money to reorder...

I perceive my skin to look a lot better, and this may be a bit of a placebo effect but I think there's a difference in my hair, too. I think it's still falling out more easily than I'd like, though I haven't been consciously tracking it for several days; however, it does not seem so prone to oiliness – I've been able to go every other day without shampooing/conditioning. I still rinse it out when I take my shower on the nights I don't shampoo/condition it, but it doesn't look the next day like I only used water. Since there's a growing body of evidence that too-frequent washing is really bad for your hair and scalp (can you believe that women used to wash their hair only once a month?! And they grew it way down to there, too!), and the delicacy of my hair can't possibly mean that it's benefited by daily washing... (Not to mention I've also grown out of the super-oilies of adolescence, which makes a huge difference!) Well, don't quote me on anything, but if I can get away with just water every other day or so, I don't mind saving money on shampoo and conditioner!

I feel a lot better, too. That's what's really important here. Okay, I'm a bit gloomy today cos I just got off a long weekend visiting Micah and Berit oop noorth and the abrupt absence of friends in conjunction with dropping back into regular home life is always a bit sadifying. BUT. I can definitely say my focus is better. I'm generally happier. I had the peculiar feeling early last week that I might actually be on the verge of having a positive body-image... Madness, I tell you. Sheer madness.

On that note I feel much more in tune with my body's needs. One of the oft-touted advice...es... for a healthy lifestyle is to ask your body what it needs, listen to it, and act on that. I've judged myself pretty good at doing that in the past. But if I screwed up and didn't do what my body needed me to do (example: ate a humongous bowl of ice cream rather than a little square of super-dark chocolate to deal with a bit of stress), the consequences generally weren't severe enough to deter me from making that mistake again. Now? Just try to get me to attack that carton of ice cream by myself again. I won't. I feel too awful in the following hours and especially the next day to give such things more than a passing thought anymore.

Huzzah!

I credit the Cleanse for that. You can't know how the bad stuff's affecting you if your system's too clogged up with previously acquired bad stuff for the new bad stuff to get in, in the first place!

I'll be updating my sparse population of readers on my AdvoJourney as I keep using the products. Don't expect anything significant for a while. Once I have some money in my pocket again, I'm gonna delve into the Performance Elite line – see if I can't finally get in on that muscle-building I've been wanted to do since March! Also, I really want to try BioTools, see if that can't help with my neck and shoulders when school's back in and I'm leaning over my desk all the time...

Wish me luck!

Right back at ya!

~Sarah

–

Other things:

I became an AdvoCare Distributor a couple weeks ago. I have my microsite set up and everything, if you'd like to order from there and rock your life. Please check it out! http://www.breakin2life.com/

As I said in a previous post: If nothing else, get Spark. You won't be disappointed. I like Pink Lemonade and Fruit Punch – I have not tried Citrus yet, but I imagine it's good if it's like the citrus-flavored Fiber Drink. Orange Mandarin has a slight bitter aftertaste cold/room-temp, but it's excellent hot. According to others, it tastes a bit like Tang – I've never had Tang, so I can't confirm this. I'm not a fan of the Grape or Cherry flavors mostly because while Grape actually tastes okay, it smells too much like nasty-tasting chewable tablets I took for cold/flu when I was a child; everyone associates cherry flavoring with icky children's medicine anyway. I don't actually remember what Cherry tastes like, but it's not bad...

I went down to Portland, Oregon, last night to meet the uber-leaders of my AdvoCare team of which I am now a member yaaaayyy. Looooooots of people... Basically a humongous mixer.

I'm registered for the AdvoCare Success School in February. I'll end up missing at least one day of classes (boooo) but I've been assured it is so, so worth it. Stoked!

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Day 11: Progress Report

So ends the Cleanse phase, as of yesterday. On to the Max phase, now – let the magic begin!

I unfortunately still don't have the drive to work out at this point because of my shoulder aching like it is. Could still work my lower body; I've just been making the excuse not to do anything.

I cheated too often on the Cleanse, and that's my own fault. I can tell myself that it would have been better had I done it when school was back in, but it's my own lack of willpower when I'm at home. Still, I don't think I did horribly...

No dramatic results to speak of, yet. I did take my measurements again this morning. I did lose half an inch on my waist and an inch off my hips, but that could easily be a discrepancy in how I measured, so I dunno. I didn't have substantial loss anywhere else. Couldn't tell you what I weigh now, either, but I obviously didn't lose much mass, anyway.

Which is no reason to panic, at all. One of my acquaintances I made getting into AdvoCare told me that she had to wait until the Max phase before she lost seventeen inches all over her body – and she's rather petite – so I'm thinking that's what'll happen here.

But my hope – always my hope – is that I'll come out the end of this with a handle on my cravings and BED. My control is a lot better now, as I've said before.

Cos this isn't a weight-loss program, though many people certainly get on the 24 Day Challenge to kick-start their own endeavors.

This is a wellness program.

(It just so happens that attaining wellness often involves shedding excess fat.)

So... I'll see what happens here.

--

The Max phase involves the Metabolic Nutritional System (I got MNS C, you may recall; C for control), continuing the omega-3s, and Catalyst if you have it, and the meal replacement shakes. I'm deviating from the plan a little bit here – the guide suggests the meal replacement shakes for breakfast, which makes sense given that we live in a nation of breakfast-skippers. But I'm thinking I'll be more inclined to take it at lunch – at least for a day or so, to see how it works for me. It's easy to think of breakfast – oatmeal, fruit. But lunch is where I often come up stumped, especially since I don't eat bread, and dairy products are restricted on the Challenge. Oatmeal is strictly breakfast food, to me, and fruit is generally breakfast or dessert. Thus – replacement shake in the afternoon.

The MNS consists of strip-packs of various pills. Near as I can tell, these are an additional omega-3 supplement, continuing probiotics, multivitamins, and perhaps in this case something for appetite control. Each pack has its own timing that you need to be mindful of – the tricky one for me will be remembering to take the 30-minutes-before-lunch one, but I don't think that'll be too hard, since I run on a fairly consistent meal schedule (it's less stressful for me to just eat at such and such time every day, rather than waiting until whenever I'm actually hungry). The meal replacement shakes have 22 grams of carbs and 22 grams of protein – apparently this 1:1 ratio is just the thing to kick-start your metabolism. We'll see... A giant team of reputable doctors can't be wrong, right?

Away we go!

~Sarah

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Day 6

I can't believe I've already been on AdvoCare for nearly a week.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered.

I randomly woke up with a sore throat on Monday, which was distressing – I can't get sick when my temp job has me talking all day!

But it hasn't gone any further than that. Which is great. I don't know if that means I jumped on it quickly enough (I brought green tea into work with me, and I made a stop at Super Supplements after work for Sambucus and lozenges), or if it was a reaction to pollen that may well have been released this past, gorgeous weekend, or a reaction to toxins being moved around in my system due to Herbal Cleanse. I dunno.

I'm inclined to think purging my body of toxins is the reason I'm suddenly breaking out the worst I have in months, though. I'm even getting acne on the back of my neck and shoulders, which I haven't in ages.

Before that, though, I thought my complexion looked fantastic.

My shoulder (along with my neck but that's nothing new) is acting up all of a sudden. Back in January, I don't know what I did cos I haven't actually gotten it looked at, but I somehow misaligned a muscle/nerve or something using the rowing machine at the gym, and now I don't have the mobility in my right shoulder that I do in my left. At it's best it's like I need to pop it (yes; pop a muscle; exactly), but no matter how many times I do, it doesn't get it. At it's worst, it's like it is now. Kinda feels like I got a shot. However, I think this is more to do with bad posture at the desk job and less to do with shifting toxins around. You never know, though... AdvoCare does some pretty wacky amazing stuff with your body.

On the other hand, and I say this tentatively cos I don't know if it's just a coincidence; but the past two days I've noticed a lot less hair in my brush in the morning. Ordinarily my hair falls out like the dickens. As in, I've been quite certain that I'll be practically bald by the time I'm thirty. But as I said, I haven't noticed as much hair falling out. So I'll hang onto this for a while longer and see if changes at all, but this would be incredible like you have no idea.

Also amazing, is that I can actually be awake for my temp job, which I get up at 5:30am to get ready for (we start at 8am because we're calling people on the East Coast, and they're already heading out to lunch by the time we start). There is no logical reason to be so chipper at stupid o'clock in the morning; it can only be Spark. Along with moving out those sick-and-tired toxins, perhaps.

No inch-loss of note, yet. I initially thought I might retake all my measurements every seven days or so, but this isn't the 21 or 28 Day Challenge. So I'm thinking I'll wait until the cleanse is over (four more days!) and then I'll measure; I'll measure again after the 14-day Max phase. I can't promise that I'll have weight measurements right away, though, seeing as the batteries in our bathroom scale have been dead for about a year now, and no one seems enthused to replace them since we got as part of tracking Dad's recovery from his heart attack nearly two years ago and now he's pretty well on his way back to fighting shape (thank God!).

On that note, I do imagine that I might have seen some inch loss by now had I been working out regularly all this time. My excuse has been coming home tired from work (yes, even with Spark; talking to people all day after getting up at 5:30am is exhausting; and given that Spark has 120mg of caffeine per serving, I'm not inclined to have a third dose of it after getting home from work around 5pm when bedtime is strictly 10pm), and having stuff to get done on this past weekend cos I don't feel like doing them after I get home on work days. Since work finishes this Friday, and so far I don't have any other temp jobs lined up, I'll definitely be working out during the Max phase – I may even start working out this weekend, during which I'll still be on the cleanse, but hey – last chance to move those toxins out, and exercise (especially when you sweat) is great for that!

But the most amazing, important part of this so far for me is: I have control over my cravings.

I do tend to eat a little more than I think I should at dinner, but this week it's mostly been because I haven't been packing myself high-calorie lunches (lots of veggies in the house lately, which is good for the Cleanse part of the Challenge!), which I do intentionally, because I expect myself to eat more at dinner. But the beautiful thing here is that, while I'm tucking into a second sizable helping of a side dishe, I can say "I'm gonna be done after this." And then I'll actually stop. And this has happened more than once. As in, every time since like Day 2. It's brilliant. I'm completely sold on AdvoCare just for this. And I haven't even gotten to the MNS-C yet!!!

Why didn't I have AdvoCare last summer?

Sarah

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Day 2

At this writing I'm sitting at the kitchen table, giving time for Catalyst and Fiber Drink to collectively start their thing before I have breakfast.

All things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. No dramatic miraculous transformations internally or externally to speak of yet, but the temple at Jerusalem wasn't rebuilt in a day.

So here's what I've got so far:

SPARK – One of the approaches recommended by friends to SPARK, especially in the morning, was to have it hot. Especially when one has a dependency on coffee in the morning, starting the day with a hot drink at all is helpful. On that note, I'd like to clarify something I said in the previous post: coffee is not permitted on the cleanse. Caffeine at all is apparently fine – SPARK has 120mg of caffeine per serving; that's 40mg more than the average cuppajoe. So with this in mind, I believe green tea is fine, should I desire it – most green teas have about 30mg of caffeine, and they're a lot better for you, anyway. The issue with coffee is the acidity that it can have, depending on the blend/how it's made. It also inhibits absorption of nutrients, particularly iron and calcium. For further reference, I think black tea usually has about 60mg, and white tea has 10mgs. Decaffeinated green tea might have about 10mgs.

On that note, I can't recall if it's coffee or caffeine itself that inhibits the absorption of those minerals, so best play it safe and give a couple hours between. Or do further research. Whichever's easiest.

So the buzz with SPARK definitely comes from the caffeine. I would imagine the sustained-energy-without-the-crash comes from the amino acids present. For the non-bio majors and folks who simply haven't found time to research this yet, amino acids are the building blocks of protein. There are twenty different kinds (if I remember my notes correctly), and a "complete protein" is a protein that has all of these amino acids present. As I recall, meat and other animal products (dairy, eggs, etc.), quinoa, and soy are complete proteins. This is why vegans have to be careful about how they "combine" their plant-based proteins.

In any case, SPARK probably isn't the sort of thing you want to take right before bed.

Fiber Drink – This is taken before breakfast on certain days of the cleanse. I definitely appreciate the citrus flavor – I've tried unflavored fiber drinks before and they taste sorta nasty. I haven't tried this hot, but I wouldn't recommend it, for ease of consumption. The first ingredient is psyllium fiber – the stuff in Metamucil. And if you've made my same mistake and tried to do Metamucil in warm/hot water, you know that stuff swells up like nobody's business. If you're not a fan of gritty-ish textures in drinks, you may have to just get over it, but if you're not picky about textures, it's actually rather pleasant to take. Just remember to follow directions and drink plenty of water with it, because this stuff can still swell a little even if you're using cool water, and we don't want anyone to choke. Also, drinking plenty of water in addition to fiber helps clean out your system.

That said, this stuff does what it's supposed to do.

I've of course taken Catalyst and OmegaPlex as I am supposed to. I haven't noticed any substantial differences yet regarding the effects of those products, but my friend Jess started out on Catalyst alone, and in less than a week she'd already lost 2 1/2 inches. Granted, she has a lot more inches to lose than I do, and she'll tell you that herself, so a more rapid transformation would be expected for her anyway.

Well, time for me to make my breakfast.

~Sarah

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Before

Hoo, boy. Where do I start.

This is about the craziness I'm gonna put myself through for the next 24 days, starting tomorrow.

What, you wonder?

The AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge, is what!

AdvoCare is a highly reputable company that has been in business for nearly 20 years (read: almost as long as I've been alive! That's cred.) They operate on Christian values, and it shows. So many people have found their lives again by using their products, and I can't wait to see the revolution they create a few years down the road. 

AdvoCare is backed up by doctors and scientists with over a century of combined experience behind them. When they are not developing AdvoCare products, they are practicing, they are teaching, they are researching. They are putting their careers on the line to add their names to the products.

There are hundreds of non-paid athletic endorsers. The kicker? They have to sign a contract that while they endorse AdvoCare for no pay, they cannot endorse any other products.

So what are these products?

With the exception of the "Noticeable Difference" line (which covers skin care), they are nutritional supplements – powders or pills – that charge up your metabolism, melt away body fat, and result in a better-built you.

I learned about AdvoCare through Hannah, who herself spent extensive time thinking and praying before deciding to give any of it a shot. Friends of hers (whom I have since met, and they are legitimate, serious people) used the products together – they are a married couple – and the results are amazing. Even the 80-year-old mother-in-law had incredible results. Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of going to a massive mixer in Seattle, and the couple along with many other people got to go onto the stage and share their story.

The first AdvoCare product I tried was SPARK. It's one of their top-selling products. It's an energy drink formula, without the crash. I used it to get through the second half of a nine-hour day of training, and boy did I feel it when it hit, but I didn't notice when it stopped. No crash. Fantastic.

Basically, if you try no other AdvoCare product, try SPARK.

--

I've since received my 24 Day Challenge in the mail, and I'll be staring tomorrow.

The 24 Day Challenge is a recommended first-time purchase for new AdvoCare customers. It includes a gentle herbal cleanse, omega-3 supplements, SPARK, a Metabolic Nutritional System of your choice (more on that later) and meal replacement shake powder in the flavor of your choice. The purpose of the Challenge is to clean all the muck out of your system, and then put all the good stuff back in. Recommended add-ons are ThermoPlus, which kicks your metabolism to burn an extra 150 calories per pill; and Catalyst, which basically shrink-wraps your muscle so you don't lose lean body mass while you're changing your diet.

I bought only the Catalyst as an add-on. I'm hoping the MNS that I bought will negate the need for ThermoPlus, and I'll get to that in a moment, I promise.

So here I am, with my 24 Day Challenge and eager to start. I have goals, and here's your "Before" shot:

Physically

I haven't had as much energy to work out as I would like. So I haven't been working out. I do as many push-ups as I can while I wait for dial-up to dial in. But I'm not climbing stairs all day to get everywhere at SMU, and I'm not walking nearly as much. I'm not eating as well (not so much free access to veggies here), which is aggravating my BED. It's not anywhere near as bad as it was last summer, but it is bad enough that I don't fit into my slimmer pairs of pants anymore. I'd rather not have to wait again until I get back to SMU to lose the fat I've gained since January.

How ironic that I would lose weight being in college, right?

Mentally

I still have a lot of insecurities, mostly about how I relate to people and how others see me. I'm only okay with my quirks so long as others are, and so when people tell me I'm "wrong" because I'm not exactly conventional, it hurts. When people hurt me in that way, especially when I think they ought to know better based on how long/well we've known each other, I have a lot of difficult letting them back in. I think I've said as much before: If you burn me, I delete you. I don't mean just from Facebook, either. This mindset is okay in the moment, but it's overstayed its welcome. I'd kind of like for my brain to permit me to date again...

Emotionally

Fairly stable. Still, I am in a period of relapse considering my BED, and episodes tend to mess with me emotionally as well as mentally. I feel like I've been needing to learn how to stop and address my emotions before everything else all over again, which is highly frustrating. I still need to forgive myself for being a damageable human being.

Other

Getting a decent amount of sleep every night due to a temp job that I get myself up at 5:30AM for.

Addicted to caffeine, though I've been decaffeinating myself for the past couple days, because coffee is not permitted during the 24 Day Challenge. Addicted to sugar and to salt, because I've allowed myself to succumb to the ridiculous amount of processed junk in the house on too many occasions.

Drinking plenty of water. Trying to get back into the tea habit.

Daily, I take: one 80mg aspirin (follow-up from a childhood illness); three omega-3 fish oil capsules twice a day; a one-a-day multivitamin; one probiotic tablet; three calcium supplements twice a day.

Occasional zit due to horrible eating habits and hormonal cycling aside, acne is well under control.

The first ten days of the 24 Day Challenge is a cleanse. This includes the OmegaPlex (which I take continuously through the challenge), and a probiotic supplement. The MNS contains truckloads of vitamins, and the meal replacement shakes have a hefty supply of calcium. While I'm on the cleanse, I will continue taking my calcium supplements, but at a reduced amount. I don't know for sure yet if I will continue taking the aspirin – I went for years without taking it and suffered no ill effects, before taking it up again earlier this year. I can't imagine the aspirin would hurt either way, however.

The guidelines provide suggestions for meal components, and they're pretty standard for cleanses and the like – fruits and vegetables, cut out sugar, eat lean protein and healthy fats. They also suggest eating five, six times a day, which makes me nervous given my BED. I've been assured when you're on the challenge, your cravings change. I'm hoping for this to happen. I need to break out of this, because it has not been any fun at all to struggle with; I wouldn't wish it on anyone, nor do I wish it upon myself.

Now's as good a time as any: The MNS comes in three types.

MNS E focuses on energy. MNS C focuses on controlling cravings (this is the kind I got, for pretty obvious reasons by this point). MNS 3 does both, and costs slightly more. All three are about pumping your body full of the nutrition it needs.

So, here I am, today. Literally, I took that pic about an hour ago. It's right after dinner, or my tummy would be a bit smaller, but you get the idea.

These were my measurements June 28^th (I've probably gained a little more weight since then, but I'm too lazy to retake them all again, and I don't think it'd make that much of a difference; either way I obviously don't have that much fat to lose):

Weight: 135 lbs

Upper arms, measured at halfway point: 11 ½ / 11 in

Bust: 31 in

Waist, measured at "natural" point: 26 ½ in

Hips, measured at widest point (with clothes on): 37 in

Thighs, measured at widest point: 23 ½ in / 23 in

(I include two numbers for arms and thighs because my left of each is large than the right. No really. You can even tell if you look which is really aggravating; I dislike my asymmetricality, even though everyone has a little of it.)

Using these measurements and a formula in the book "Protein Power," I calculated my body fat percentage at about 18.87% (or about 25.41 lbs), which makes 109.59 lbs of my weight lean tissue (muscle, bone, organs, hair, etc.). This puts me as underfat, which I personally disagree with, but my lack of menstruation probably has something to say about that, too... I know, I know, TMI.

Anyway.

Here we are. Expect another blog post when I finish this craziness, if I'm not compelled to write again sooner!

~Sarah

In Which Things are Looking Up

Well, what have I been up to in the past two months?

A lot of things.

I went to Japan. That was exciting. (Understand that this is a gross understatement; I miss Nippon desperately, and I want to go back as soon as possible. I could blog about the experience forever. The important bits are: I ran into many of my friends that I made while they studied abroad at uni; the food was fantastic – I could eat tofu dengaku foreverrrr; I didn't get to do all I wanted to do in Japan, so I have a list of excuses to go back: visit Okinawa, go to an onsen, explore ALL of Tokyo, see all the friends I didn't get to see, see the cherry blossoms because they'd finished by the time we got there.)

I haven't gotten a steady job yet, but I will be starting a temp position on the 29^th. Make twice in two weeks what I made in one month at the CRC? I don't mind! And then I'll be a Cultural Ambassador again for my university's summer exchange program – yay, more moneys! I mean, um, enriching the visit of foreign students to America. Which I happen to get paid for. Yeah.

Nah; I'm totally looking forward to it. I had a blast last year. And this time around I'll actually have some spending money for Pike Place Market and such (I was broke last summer).

I've been doing a lot better, all things considered. There's still some residual bitterness, but knowing that the ex has graduated and that I don't need to spell out to the roommate that we're not friends anymore eases the tension a bit. I'm able to enjoy my summer break and look forward to the new school year.

I'm entertaining the idea of studying abroad in Japan next spring, since Reitaku University has a special deal on offer to two selected students per semester from SMU, to waive tuition and housing – basically I'd get four months of free immersion in Japan if I were selected (free aside from ticket, insurance, personal expenses...). If I can't manage to do that, I still want to go back to Japan, perhaps next summer. And while I'm at, now that I have the traveling bug, I think I'd like to save up to visit the UK... This has nothing to do with me hoping for a chance encounter with Benedict Cumberbatch, Matt Smith, Stephen Frye, or Mofftiss, while I'm there. Absolutely not. I'd totally be going for the culture, certainly not to be surrounded by sexy accents.

In the meantime, I like this temping stuff. The agency got back to me right away, and right after that I had an interview (on Monday) and now I have a job lined up starting next week. I think I'll keep with this for a while – seems like a good way to get experience at a lot of different kinds of jobs, very quickly, without ruining the resume (according to a friend at swing, this isn't the sort of thing you'd put on a resume under Work Experience – it's surviving-college money).

I've been taking up a lot of things I'd hoped to do last summer but couldn't because I was wallowing in misery. Which is nice, cos I'm not bored, for a change. I've been crocheting, painting, reading for pleasure (go get The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon – it's quite complex and intriguing and has beautiful language, not to mention the most elegant non-explicit sex scenes I've read to date). I've also been doing a lot of baking, which is fairly new, but not unexpected since I enjoy cooking dinner with my dad. I've already created some super tasty recipes. I've even been writing, which is by far the best part of all of this. There's a fanfiction that I've been fussing with for about four years now, already a rewrite of something I tapped out when I was twelve, and it's been stuck at a certain point for a year – I've written nearly twenty pages for it in the past week. Now, that's not NaNoWriMo speed, but it's more production than I've had in the past year, that wasn't for school. I guess I can credit my Creative Writing class for keeping me in form. The hardest part of starting any story – or returning to it after a hiatus – is starting. CW, I suppose, helped eliminate that barrier, or at least gave me the confidence to make that first crack to break past it. Yay!

Would it be better if I was working on something original? Probably. But I'm not worried, so why am I even asking the question? I'm having fun, and I have the rest of my life to write that great novel once I have the life experience to do it, God willing.

I'm a lot happier now than I've been in the past two years. Of course things aren't perfect – I still slip up and have a bad day now and then. But I'm not worried about myself anymore. Which is a huge relief.

Now to hope no one asks me out any time soon. I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet!

~Sarah

In which I need a break

Because I am not old enough for a cocktail (legally in the US, anyway).

As I write this, I am sitting at the kitchen table of Lorie's family. Lorie herself currently lives in a neighboring city, having moved out about a year ago. It's midnight; I'm going to go to bed on the family's couch after finishing this.

Now and then, I overstay my comfortable welcome at the dorms. It doesn't help at all that we're coming up on the close of the year. This coming week is the last week of classes. Then I have finals week. And then I'm off for summer, including my ten-day trip to Japan(!)

Tonight, however, I needed to get away. It was not my intent to leave the dorms this weekend. I wanted to hold out until the three-day weekend after classes ended; then I could make the first round of bringing stuff home so that packing for summer wouldn't be so much of a production. However, things happened that made it intensely uncomfortable to stay in the dorms for very much longer. I needed to get away, or something bad would have happened.

Here's a tip from one who's made her mistakes: Don't ever open up to people. Especially if you're doing it because you're trying to help people. By extension, don't ever try to help people in the first place, either.

I thought I recognized my roommate going through the same crap I was this time last year. She stays up late, she eats a sleeve of Oreos in one go, she doesn't seem particularly happy. Okay, it's finals season; I'm not exactly a basket of rainbows either, but I still find things to laugh about. And see; she's a lot more extroverted than I am. When she suddenly got all quiet, I noticed. Me, I can go a whole day without saying a word to anyone, and that's normal. She usually at least said "Hey" when she came in the door. That's the sort of stuff I get tired of; it's exhausting to greet everyone that I know through a friend of an acquaintance every time I see them.

Yeah, okay, I recognize all of my own faults in this, but let me finish.

I left her a note before I skedaddled off to class, trying to breach the subject and basically check in that she was okay. I told her what I was going through this time last year, and that I didn't want the same from her. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions, and I made note of that in the... note... My heart was in the right place; I couldn't just stand to the side and watch her go through that, knowing the hell I went through trying to get out of the cycle of binge, self-hatred, binge some more. Depression is not fun. It is nothing to be messed with. Do not say you're depressed if you're just upset that your favorite Idol wannabe didn't win, or whatever people get "depressed" over nowadays. I digress (even though the digression was a serious topic).

What do I get for my trouble of revealing something about my past that I would rather forget, would rather didn't happen?

I get a long text chewing me out, throwing everything back in my face, and four attacks against me.

According to the roommate:

1 – She goes and actually hangs out with people instead of being alone on her side of the room (guess who spends all their time on their side of the room? Did she forget that I have friends I hang out with, too?)

2 – She's staying up late because she's taking eighteen credits, and she's a normal person who loves junk food (So I'm not normal because I don't down a whole sleeve of Oreos in one sitting at midnight?)

3 – She doesn't talk to me anymore because I've been coming off as very unapproachable (I am introverted. Learn the difference. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking much at all, and that is normal.)

4 - …And she is not the only one who thinks that way. (Great; I'm still in high school, where people didn't like me because they thought I was weird for being an introvert and on my own all the time. Way to admit that you've been gossiping about me, too. Are you going to tell all your friends about what I revealed in this note, too?)

Am I overreacting? Maybe. I apologized for upsetting her, saying I was glad I was wrong if that was the case. And then she made like things were a-okay, but next time please express my feelings to her face instead of in a note, because it's the respectful thing to do.

Okay... the jury is out on this one. I get very uncomfortable with confrontations, even mild ones. I'm even nervous to ask for small favors. The note was the way I felt most comfortable bringing it up, especially when it was so out of the blue.

And then she tells me she's sorry for criticizing me... LIES.

She's had plenty of time to mull over exactly how she feels about me. I think she meant every word she said, and I don't think she would have said it any differently.

You know what the respectful thing is to do? Wait until you've calmed down before flying off the handle. Maybe she genuinely is okay with things now, but I'm not interested in being her friend anymore. She revealed too much. I don't know how many people she's going to share that information with. Or who. She's already lost all of my trust. And she is not going to get it back.

This isn't the "Christian thing to do." I don't care. I'm not perfect. My job is to be like Christ, I know. But I feel like calling in sick for the moment. Today, I learned a valuable lesson about opening up to other people: it's a horrible idea. It's why I don't do it. Which is why people call me unapproachable or even "cold."

And you wanna know what happens when you call me unapproachable or cold?

I close up even more. Sometimes, if I expected better from you, I close up just to spite you. Always, I do it to protect myself. If you'll attack the core of the kind of person I am, you don't need to have any more surface ammo to use against me. You've already shaken me out of my comfort zone, because I thought you respected me more than that.

You'd better be ready for me to ignore you completely.

Because here's a tip: if I ever get the feeling that you don't accept me for who I am, you are suspect.

And here's another, more important and relevant tip: if you ever throw my differences from you in my face like there's something wrong with me, then you are gone from my life.

End of story.

In which I spend a couple paragraphs in middle school

I thought I might just be growing up, and those words hurt, because my asshole of an ex-boyfriend used them on me when he threw my rejection of his friendship back in my face.

Just part of growing up, he said, to not have time for friends anymore, anyway. Have a nice life [of growing up and not having time or place in your life for me. Have a nice life of being cold. Have a nice life of believing what we had was a waste of your time. Have a nice life of trying to forget about me after I said you'll be in my heart always. Have a nice life of growing up closed off. Have a nice life of wasting my time, too, then, if it wasn't any good to you].

ALL LIES.

I'm not cold, am I? Am I too closed off? I don't believe I'm cold. I don't believe I'm closed off. I'm only closed off to people who make me feel like I'm not good enough for them when I'm just being me. Because I don't instantly become friends with everybody. Because I don't give them sex because they want to become closer, because they think we like each other enough. If I am not good enough for someone because of their arbitrary, immoral standards, that is their problem and NOT mine.

YOU ARE NOT MY PROBLEM.

-----

Sigh. Sorry about that, folks. I just needed to get it out. This came out of a freewrite I did today to try to make some headway on an assignment for Creative Writing, and suddenly I stumbled over the first line, and I started to cry. And I didn't want to continue, because I didn't want to cry in a public place. But I did it anyway, because I didn't think I could heal from it if I didn't explore it. So here we are. I thought of making it a Note on Facebook because it's not exactly a blog post. But I have too many FB friends who also like my ex-boyfriend. I don't really feel like creating any more tension than there already may be. So you get to deal with me being thirteen, today.