Breaking Up, Breaking Habits

Original Posting: May 2011

God and I have a rather interesting relationship. I'm sure this is part of me still being fairly new, and not really used to devoting lots of time to my faith and getting to know Him.

Anyway, the point is that I don't habitually actively try to tune in to whatever He's saying to me. Oh, some stuff does get through now and then, but usually God has to really hit me over the head before I realize He's trying to tell me something.

Case in point:

He's been telling me for a while that I really need to step back from obligations, relax, and really work on myself. And I've been getting that; I've known for a long time that I need this long summer break to build myself back up. But it never seemed quite that necessary to happen; it was always something I could put off until a little later, right after I got past this month, this week, this final...

And then I broke up with my boyfriend.

I've had my heart broken before. But with everything that had happened leading up to this breakup, well...

I think it shows how out of my head I was that I wasn't scared of myself at all. As it was, I should have been terrified.

By the time I was done with finals (the day before the breakup), I was hanging by threads. I don't want to go so far as to say I had a psychotic break, but... I think I came pretty damn close.

I had all of the extremes after the breakup.

I had refusal to eat, and then I had binging.

I had long periods of hard sobbing, and then periods devoid of emotion.

I had complete apathy, and then I had manic episodes.

I had self-injury (not cutting, but... hitting myself, hitting walls/furniture to make myself bruise – I did accidentally make myself bleed, though...).

I currently have a rubber band on my wrist, and my wrist is covered with welts.

There were in fact warnings of this earlier. The behavior, I mean (well, the breakup, too, but that's not what this post is about). The week before spring break was hell on me, and some of the behavior I exhibited in the days following the breakup, I first displayed that week, between complete rage at other people and severe panic/anxiety over a scholarship deadline.

And then we add in that I was pretty much forced to go talk to one of the university's counselors a few months ago, and I strongly considered paying another visit a few weeks ago of my own free will (I never did, but I wonder if things would be any better had I gone).

In short, this breakup is the hit over the head that God needed to give me, to tell me, "You're fucked up. You need to fix yourself completely and get back to 100% before you can even think about balancing another person's interests with yours."

Well, okay, God wouldn't use the F-word, but... you get it. And I am; I look at where I am now and I think about where I was before the spring semester and that's the only word I can use.

So this summer break isn't just a break from classes and homework and (as of recently) committing to another person. It's also a time of personal therapy. All that happened this past semester has left me with anxieties and fears and habits that I never had before, and that threaten to be quite damaging if I don't do something about them right now.

I recently bought some books about Chinese Medicine and healing – my current obsession, as I bill it to my parents. One of them has a routine for stimulating the Meridians of the human body (if you're not familiar with CM or other alternative medicines, Meridians are paths along the human body associated with various organs; masseuses massage along them for healing, and acupuncturists insert needles along specific points of the Meridians). The routine uses acupressure, and I just tried a very abbreviated version of it earlier. I felt better, for a little while. If I can incorporate it into my morning routine, and make it a habit by the time school starts again (oh, God, help me), then I think it will make school, among other things preceding, easier to bear.

There's so much I've learned about Chinese Medicine just from that book, but that's for another post.

So I'll see what following CM healing principles to the best of my (financial) ability for a few weeks does for my emotional and mental health (and physical as a side benefit). Hopefully that'll be enough.

But if not, then maybe I will need to face the fact that I'll need to shell out for consulting an expert. I know my parents won't pay for it. Dad hasn't really said anything for or against my latest obsession, but Mom's already poked fun at me for my interest. Not exactly encouraging...

But let's not put the cart before the horse.

That's what's going on with me at the moment. I really did start this blog with the intention that everything would be cheerful, or at least not rife with me angsting. But sometimes you do just need to get stuff out to the world (believe me, I've been writing in my diary just about every day, and while it's helping, I do wonder if this might be a little more effective).

I'll do my best to have something more positive next time.

Until then, folks.

♥Sarah