Baby Steps

Original Posting: August 2011

I want to say my last post was something of a red herring. I was doing better, true, but I wasn't anywhere near recovery. In fact, it took me until halfway through July to really make a breakthrough. The steps leading to that were many, and some more complex than others. I'm quite sure I've forgotten half of them! But the ones I do remember are the ones that had the biggest influence.

I want to pick up my poor broken self from three months ago, hold her close and tell her it'll be okay while I rock her to sleep.

My mind ran on multiple tracks; I was riddled with anxieties and fears and paranoia. Even if I felt better, I still felt that one wrong move would snap me, breaking me for good.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but that's a point I'll elaborate on in a moment...

I was in a pretty bad place.

I sought control over my thoughts. They wreaked havoc, ran wild, made my compulsions worse. The first step toward breakthrough happened when I sat down in a quiet spot and narrated, in my head, what I had just done – gotten up and made myself breakfast. For ten minutes, I described the sunlight casting through the window; the drowsy half-stumble to turn off my alarm clock; the walk downstairs to the kitchen; boiling the water for oatmeal; the taste and texture of my oatmeal mixed with chocolate protein powder and diced coconut meat.

For ten beautiful minutes, only one train of thought.

It led on a little from there. The next step came in completing a one-shot "Sherlock" fanfiction. (Shameless plug! Read it here!) Being able to narrate a story in a fluid way really did a lot for breaking past obstructions that had accumulated due to creative stagnation.

But things weren't perfect. My life still felt in turmoil. I still had a few weeks to go.

The first week or so of July, I realized that, all of a sudden, I felt a lot better. I'd wake up in the morning and feel decent. It took me a couple days to realize that I was finally legitimately recovering from the breakup.

But no cigar yet.

The thing that really did it was... Anyone wanna guess?

The cynics in the audience say, "Let me guess: God."

And I would say they're absolutely right.

I'm not sure how much I'm technically allowed to talk about, but what the heck; it's awesome, what happened, so I'll risk it.

There's something called Sozo. There's a person who prays, a person who guides you through the process, and a person who writes down the Truths that are revealed so that you have a record to remind yourself.

I didn't get a Sozo. I got what we called a pseudo-Sozo. But y'know what? It still worked.

Truths came out, indeed. My spirit got totally Wrecked that day. And okay, it took a while for my mind and body to catch up with it. Human beings are every bit as complicated as Rome, if not even more so; I can forgive God for taking His time with me. But I digress.

Here's the thing that might sound a bit off to non-believers: There was nothing said that day that I didn't already know as fact. What made it all so jarring was the fact that many of the truths were truths I had chosen to forget, chosen to deny, chosen to believe were lies. Truths regarding my parents and my friends – I didn't even consciously realize that I blamed them for feeling distant, for making me feel like my words didn't matter, like I had no power. Truths like I believed God wouldn't heal my earthly father's heart; I had no more intimacy with my mother; I thought God was nowhere in my family. These horrible, uncomfortable lies that I had been believing, and that I had been repressing for who knows how long (the one about Dad's heart goes back nearly a year, now). Lies that I had forgotten I believed in.

Holy Spirit gave me a soft place by a river. Holy Spirit gave me a cliff to push all of my struggles over into a bottomless canyon. Jesus drove a bulldozer through a wall I saw between us (no, really).

My life still felt in turmoil. But necessary things had been brought to the surface for me to process and file away properly now that I had time for them. It took me a while. But one day I woke up and realized I had done it. My mind was calm. I saw the sunlight and looked forward to the rest of the day even if I knew I had nothing at all to do.

There's so much more I could write about regarding my pseudo-Sozo. But I'll leave it there for now. Maybe I'll put up the whole thing later, but even after that there are still things I don't feel like I'm ready to share with the world. So I will move on.

I spent so long in mental flux, I still wonder every so often if it would be so easy to regress back into that damaged state. Maybe there's a part of me that refuses to believe it when something so extraordinarily good and miraculous happens to me. But I hesitate to read anything from my period of extreme angst because part of me wonders if it might be catching. I think that's unfounded, but there you go.

I still have a few steps to go.

The last thing on my agenda is the breakup, and everything surrounding that. I've gotten over the breakup, I think. I still genuinely believe that we did the right thing. I haven't really contacted him since the night we broke up, and I really don't know how I'll react when I next see him. Cos I'm certain sooner or later I'll run into him on campus, and I haven't worked out how cold I'll be.

Because I am not over him. That's distressing for me to realize, but I think it's only a good thing that I know that now, before some poor bloke ends up becoming a rebound because I made the mistake of thinking I really was ready to date again.

I didn't have time to establish an identity for him in my mind as a friend. It went right from new acquaintance to a person I dated to boyfriend. Shunting him to the position of "friend" might take some time and patience – historically, I don't deal with the people who break my heart very well. Usually I just clam up whenever they're around. I don't necessarily ignore them (no, that's only if their new girlfriend's in the room with them), but I don't speak to them. This is largely because I don't know what to say.

Of course, the last time this scenario occurred was high school. And while that wasn't really so long ago, I like to think I've done a lot of growing up since I graduated. So we'll have to see what happens this fall...

But as long as he isn't on my mind at all (which fortunately is no longer "all the freaking time"), I'm totally peachy. I wake up most mornings feeling alright, if more like I'd rather sleep five more minutes. Once I sit down to breakfast, I'm more alert and feel like life's worth it. There was a reason I got up this morning, and today I think it happened to be so I could make this post.

I think it's safe to say, at the ever-present risk of jinxing it, that I've found peace. Is it perfect? Not yet. Can I be content with where I am if I don't move forward? I believe I can. Heck, I've gone through it all before. For the moment, I am not plagued with anxieties. I've started working with my university for its summer cultural exchange program (yay, money! Oh, and, uh, learning about other cultures too, of course). No steady job to speak of yet (after a whole four months of searching – I'd say I'm doing pretty good, no?), but there will be work-study and on-campus jobs aplenty for the new school year. And I'm sure places near the school will start hiring once people leave to go to their schools again. Just have to keep an eye out for it all. I have a food handler's card now, which is handy cos there are a lot of restaurants and other such establishments around my university. I'm excited for my future again. I'm really looking forward to being back on campus, seeing my roommate and the other Japanese students again, meeting new ones who are studying abroad for the semester/year... And my roommate from Fall 2010 is making plans to visit me! I'm so excited for that! I have contacts who can help me find jobs, help me pull resources together for what I want to accomplish – including taking a trip to Japan where I'll hopefully be able to see all my friends again. And hopefully they can help me dig up some scholarships and other non-loan-like financial aid for Bastyr... But now I'm rambling; let's not put the cart before the horse, as they say. I still have a long way to go before I get to all of that.

What God has been trying to hit me over the head with, is that I need to stand back from trying to take total control over my life and freaking out when things don't go the way I'd prefer. This is a season to walk with Him; I need to enjoy the summer weather while we have it (and living in the Pacific Northwest, I know it doesn't last long once it finally arrives!). This is not yet the time to be itching for a job, even though I have been seeking all summer break. This is a time to stop and smell the roses like I have been needing to all of this time. It's something of a shame that I should realize this during the busiest month of my break, but maybe that serves all the better to drive the point home.

For all the time I've had off from school this break, I haven't been able to let myself really play. I don't know what I've been letting myself get caught up in that I haven't made time for regular recreation other than swing dancing (which I don't have time or money for anymore now that I'm working as a CA and trying to save money for this year and Bastyr).

There's a scene I wrote for a fanfiction where the central character has been dealing with much the same situation as I've just recovered from. The cause was different, but his recovery runs (scarily) much along the same vein. Another character tells him that he's done all he can for the moment; now he needs to step away from it, and go out and enjoy life like he's meant to.

I don't know if that scene will ever be used in the story now. It was written two years ago, and the plot has changed quite radically since then – although I will try to include it if I can find a place for it.

But I guess this is where I say I should take my own advice. I've done everything humanly possible to get my life back on track. The rest is up to God, as everything has been from the beginning. He'll take care of it, and He'll keep on taking care of me.

Here's to life.

♥Sarah