AdvoCare: After the 24 Day Challenge -- Report Card

I finished the Challenge on Sunday. No after picture cos you can't see any big difference yet – although I lost another two inches over my body, give or take half an inch. And that's okay. I can't give a weight at the moment because still no one has replaced the batteries in the scale. Because of reasons I probably oughtn't know how much I weigh now anyway; it's another point of data I don't need to obsess over (not to mention I just got off menstruation – hooray, hormone replacement therapy; couldn't even be bothered to make my bust more proportionate to my body while making life hell again – guess where I lost part of those two inches?). If pressed, I will admit I'm a bit discouraged that I don't have the results I wanted to see, but as I just said: that's okay. Cos those results I wanted to see, how I looked last winter? People thought I looked unhealthy. I don't want that. I want people to see glowing and strong and together, not a beanpole barely hanging on and overly restricting herself to maintain it.

I'm continuing on the MNS C for now, and I have Spark, and now Carb-Ease Plus for those (increasingly uncommon!) "I just want some ice cream and by golly I'm gonna eat ice cream" (or "Dangit my parents made pasta again" or "I think I'll bake cookies today...") moments. I forgot to reorder Catalyst, but I figure I eat enough protein that I'll be okay until I have money to reorder...

I perceive my skin to look a lot better, and this may be a bit of a placebo effect but I think there's a difference in my hair, too. I think it's still falling out more easily than I'd like, though I haven't been consciously tracking it for several days; however, it does not seem so prone to oiliness – I've been able to go every other day without shampooing/conditioning. I still rinse it out when I take my shower on the nights I don't shampoo/condition it, but it doesn't look the next day like I only used water. Since there's a growing body of evidence that too-frequent washing is really bad for your hair and scalp (can you believe that women used to wash their hair only once a month?! And they grew it way down to there, too!), and the delicacy of my hair can't possibly mean that it's benefited by daily washing... (Not to mention I've also grown out of the super-oilies of adolescence, which makes a huge difference!) Well, don't quote me on anything, but if I can get away with just water every other day or so, I don't mind saving money on shampoo and conditioner!

I feel a lot better, too. That's what's really important here. Okay, I'm a bit gloomy today cos I just got off a long weekend visiting Micah and Berit oop noorth and the abrupt absence of friends in conjunction with dropping back into regular home life is always a bit sadifying. BUT. I can definitely say my focus is better. I'm generally happier. I had the peculiar feeling early last week that I might actually be on the verge of having a positive body-image... Madness, I tell you. Sheer madness.

On that note I feel much more in tune with my body's needs. One of the oft-touted advice...es... for a healthy lifestyle is to ask your body what it needs, listen to it, and act on that. I've judged myself pretty good at doing that in the past. But if I screwed up and didn't do what my body needed me to do (example: ate a humongous bowl of ice cream rather than a little square of super-dark chocolate to deal with a bit of stress), the consequences generally weren't severe enough to deter me from making that mistake again. Now? Just try to get me to attack that carton of ice cream by myself again. I won't. I feel too awful in the following hours and especially the next day to give such things more than a passing thought anymore.

Huzzah!

I credit the Cleanse for that. You can't know how the bad stuff's affecting you if your system's too clogged up with previously acquired bad stuff for the new bad stuff to get in, in the first place!

I'll be updating my sparse population of readers on my AdvoJourney as I keep using the products. Don't expect anything significant for a while. Once I have some money in my pocket again, I'm gonna delve into the Performance Elite line – see if I can't finally get in on that muscle-building I've been wanted to do since March! Also, I really want to try BioTools, see if that can't help with my neck and shoulders when school's back in and I'm leaning over my desk all the time...

Wish me luck!

Right back at ya!

~Sarah

–

Other things:

I became an AdvoCare Distributor a couple weeks ago. I have my microsite set up and everything, if you'd like to order from there and rock your life. Please check it out! http://www.breakin2life.com/

As I said in a previous post: If nothing else, get Spark. You won't be disappointed. I like Pink Lemonade and Fruit Punch – I have not tried Citrus yet, but I imagine it's good if it's like the citrus-flavored Fiber Drink. Orange Mandarin has a slight bitter aftertaste cold/room-temp, but it's excellent hot. According to others, it tastes a bit like Tang – I've never had Tang, so I can't confirm this. I'm not a fan of the Grape or Cherry flavors mostly because while Grape actually tastes okay, it smells too much like nasty-tasting chewable tablets I took for cold/flu when I was a child; everyone associates cherry flavoring with icky children's medicine anyway. I don't actually remember what Cherry tastes like, but it's not bad...

I went down to Portland, Oregon, last night to meet the uber-leaders of my AdvoCare team of which I am now a member yaaaayyy. Looooooots of people... Basically a humongous mixer.

I'm registered for the AdvoCare Success School in February. I'll end up missing at least one day of classes (boooo) but I've been assured it is so, so worth it. Stoked!

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Day 6

I can't believe I've already been on AdvoCare for nearly a week.

I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered.

I randomly woke up with a sore throat on Monday, which was distressing – I can't get sick when my temp job has me talking all day!

But it hasn't gone any further than that. Which is great. I don't know if that means I jumped on it quickly enough (I brought green tea into work with me, and I made a stop at Super Supplements after work for Sambucus and lozenges), or if it was a reaction to pollen that may well have been released this past, gorgeous weekend, or a reaction to toxins being moved around in my system due to Herbal Cleanse. I dunno.

I'm inclined to think purging my body of toxins is the reason I'm suddenly breaking out the worst I have in months, though. I'm even getting acne on the back of my neck and shoulders, which I haven't in ages.

Before that, though, I thought my complexion looked fantastic.

My shoulder (along with my neck but that's nothing new) is acting up all of a sudden. Back in January, I don't know what I did cos I haven't actually gotten it looked at, but I somehow misaligned a muscle/nerve or something using the rowing machine at the gym, and now I don't have the mobility in my right shoulder that I do in my left. At it's best it's like I need to pop it (yes; pop a muscle; exactly), but no matter how many times I do, it doesn't get it. At it's worst, it's like it is now. Kinda feels like I got a shot. However, I think this is more to do with bad posture at the desk job and less to do with shifting toxins around. You never know, though... AdvoCare does some pretty wacky amazing stuff with your body.

On the other hand, and I say this tentatively cos I don't know if it's just a coincidence; but the past two days I've noticed a lot less hair in my brush in the morning. Ordinarily my hair falls out like the dickens. As in, I've been quite certain that I'll be practically bald by the time I'm thirty. But as I said, I haven't noticed as much hair falling out. So I'll hang onto this for a while longer and see if changes at all, but this would be incredible like you have no idea.

Also amazing, is that I can actually be awake for my temp job, which I get up at 5:30am to get ready for (we start at 8am because we're calling people on the East Coast, and they're already heading out to lunch by the time we start). There is no logical reason to be so chipper at stupid o'clock in the morning; it can only be Spark. Along with moving out those sick-and-tired toxins, perhaps.

No inch-loss of note, yet. I initially thought I might retake all my measurements every seven days or so, but this isn't the 21 or 28 Day Challenge. So I'm thinking I'll wait until the cleanse is over (four more days!) and then I'll measure; I'll measure again after the 14-day Max phase. I can't promise that I'll have weight measurements right away, though, seeing as the batteries in our bathroom scale have been dead for about a year now, and no one seems enthused to replace them since we got as part of tracking Dad's recovery from his heart attack nearly two years ago and now he's pretty well on his way back to fighting shape (thank God!).

On that note, I do imagine that I might have seen some inch loss by now had I been working out regularly all this time. My excuse has been coming home tired from work (yes, even with Spark; talking to people all day after getting up at 5:30am is exhausting; and given that Spark has 120mg of caffeine per serving, I'm not inclined to have a third dose of it after getting home from work around 5pm when bedtime is strictly 10pm), and having stuff to get done on this past weekend cos I don't feel like doing them after I get home on work days. Since work finishes this Friday, and so far I don't have any other temp jobs lined up, I'll definitely be working out during the Max phase – I may even start working out this weekend, during which I'll still be on the cleanse, but hey – last chance to move those toxins out, and exercise (especially when you sweat) is great for that!

But the most amazing, important part of this so far for me is: I have control over my cravings.

I do tend to eat a little more than I think I should at dinner, but this week it's mostly been because I haven't been packing myself high-calorie lunches (lots of veggies in the house lately, which is good for the Cleanse part of the Challenge!), which I do intentionally, because I expect myself to eat more at dinner. But the beautiful thing here is that, while I'm tucking into a second sizable helping of a side dishe, I can say "I'm gonna be done after this." And then I'll actually stop. And this has happened more than once. As in, every time since like Day 2. It's brilliant. I'm completely sold on AdvoCare just for this. And I haven't even gotten to the MNS-C yet!!!

Why didn't I have AdvoCare last summer?

Sarah

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Day 2

At this writing I'm sitting at the kitchen table, giving time for Catalyst and Fiber Drink to collectively start their thing before I have breakfast.

All things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. No dramatic miraculous transformations internally or externally to speak of yet, but the temple at Jerusalem wasn't rebuilt in a day.

So here's what I've got so far:

SPARK – One of the approaches recommended by friends to SPARK, especially in the morning, was to have it hot. Especially when one has a dependency on coffee in the morning, starting the day with a hot drink at all is helpful. On that note, I'd like to clarify something I said in the previous post: coffee is not permitted on the cleanse. Caffeine at all is apparently fine – SPARK has 120mg of caffeine per serving; that's 40mg more than the average cuppajoe. So with this in mind, I believe green tea is fine, should I desire it – most green teas have about 30mg of caffeine, and they're a lot better for you, anyway. The issue with coffee is the acidity that it can have, depending on the blend/how it's made. It also inhibits absorption of nutrients, particularly iron and calcium. For further reference, I think black tea usually has about 60mg, and white tea has 10mgs. Decaffeinated green tea might have about 10mgs.

On that note, I can't recall if it's coffee or caffeine itself that inhibits the absorption of those minerals, so best play it safe and give a couple hours between. Or do further research. Whichever's easiest.

So the buzz with SPARK definitely comes from the caffeine. I would imagine the sustained-energy-without-the-crash comes from the amino acids present. For the non-bio majors and folks who simply haven't found time to research this yet, amino acids are the building blocks of protein. There are twenty different kinds (if I remember my notes correctly), and a "complete protein" is a protein that has all of these amino acids present. As I recall, meat and other animal products (dairy, eggs, etc.), quinoa, and soy are complete proteins. This is why vegans have to be careful about how they "combine" their plant-based proteins.

In any case, SPARK probably isn't the sort of thing you want to take right before bed.

Fiber Drink – This is taken before breakfast on certain days of the cleanse. I definitely appreciate the citrus flavor – I've tried unflavored fiber drinks before and they taste sorta nasty. I haven't tried this hot, but I wouldn't recommend it, for ease of consumption. The first ingredient is psyllium fiber – the stuff in Metamucil. And if you've made my same mistake and tried to do Metamucil in warm/hot water, you know that stuff swells up like nobody's business. If you're not a fan of gritty-ish textures in drinks, you may have to just get over it, but if you're not picky about textures, it's actually rather pleasant to take. Just remember to follow directions and drink plenty of water with it, because this stuff can still swell a little even if you're using cool water, and we don't want anyone to choke. Also, drinking plenty of water in addition to fiber helps clean out your system.

That said, this stuff does what it's supposed to do.

I've of course taken Catalyst and OmegaPlex as I am supposed to. I haven't noticed any substantial differences yet regarding the effects of those products, but my friend Jess started out on Catalyst alone, and in less than a week she'd already lost 2 1/2 inches. Granted, she has a lot more inches to lose than I do, and she'll tell you that herself, so a more rapid transformation would be expected for her anyway.

Well, time for me to make my breakfast.

~Sarah

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge -- Before

Hoo, boy. Where do I start.

This is about the craziness I'm gonna put myself through for the next 24 days, starting tomorrow.

What, you wonder?

The AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge, is what!

AdvoCare is a highly reputable company that has been in business for nearly 20 years (read: almost as long as I've been alive! That's cred.) They operate on Christian values, and it shows. So many people have found their lives again by using their products, and I can't wait to see the revolution they create a few years down the road. 

AdvoCare is backed up by doctors and scientists with over a century of combined experience behind them. When they are not developing AdvoCare products, they are practicing, they are teaching, they are researching. They are putting their careers on the line to add their names to the products.

There are hundreds of non-paid athletic endorsers. The kicker? They have to sign a contract that while they endorse AdvoCare for no pay, they cannot endorse any other products.

So what are these products?

With the exception of the "Noticeable Difference" line (which covers skin care), they are nutritional supplements – powders or pills – that charge up your metabolism, melt away body fat, and result in a better-built you.

I learned about AdvoCare through Hannah, who herself spent extensive time thinking and praying before deciding to give any of it a shot. Friends of hers (whom I have since met, and they are legitimate, serious people) used the products together – they are a married couple – and the results are amazing. Even the 80-year-old mother-in-law had incredible results. Last Saturday, I had the pleasure of going to a massive mixer in Seattle, and the couple along with many other people got to go onto the stage and share their story.

The first AdvoCare product I tried was SPARK. It's one of their top-selling products. It's an energy drink formula, without the crash. I used it to get through the second half of a nine-hour day of training, and boy did I feel it when it hit, but I didn't notice when it stopped. No crash. Fantastic.

Basically, if you try no other AdvoCare product, try SPARK.

--

I've since received my 24 Day Challenge in the mail, and I'll be staring tomorrow.

The 24 Day Challenge is a recommended first-time purchase for new AdvoCare customers. It includes a gentle herbal cleanse, omega-3 supplements, SPARK, a Metabolic Nutritional System of your choice (more on that later) and meal replacement shake powder in the flavor of your choice. The purpose of the Challenge is to clean all the muck out of your system, and then put all the good stuff back in. Recommended add-ons are ThermoPlus, which kicks your metabolism to burn an extra 150 calories per pill; and Catalyst, which basically shrink-wraps your muscle so you don't lose lean body mass while you're changing your diet.

I bought only the Catalyst as an add-on. I'm hoping the MNS that I bought will negate the need for ThermoPlus, and I'll get to that in a moment, I promise.

So here I am, with my 24 Day Challenge and eager to start. I have goals, and here's your "Before" shot:

Physically

I haven't had as much energy to work out as I would like. So I haven't been working out. I do as many push-ups as I can while I wait for dial-up to dial in. But I'm not climbing stairs all day to get everywhere at SMU, and I'm not walking nearly as much. I'm not eating as well (not so much free access to veggies here), which is aggravating my BED. It's not anywhere near as bad as it was last summer, but it is bad enough that I don't fit into my slimmer pairs of pants anymore. I'd rather not have to wait again until I get back to SMU to lose the fat I've gained since January.

How ironic that I would lose weight being in college, right?

Mentally

I still have a lot of insecurities, mostly about how I relate to people and how others see me. I'm only okay with my quirks so long as others are, and so when people tell me I'm "wrong" because I'm not exactly conventional, it hurts. When people hurt me in that way, especially when I think they ought to know better based on how long/well we've known each other, I have a lot of difficult letting them back in. I think I've said as much before: If you burn me, I delete you. I don't mean just from Facebook, either. This mindset is okay in the moment, but it's overstayed its welcome. I'd kind of like for my brain to permit me to date again...

Emotionally

Fairly stable. Still, I am in a period of relapse considering my BED, and episodes tend to mess with me emotionally as well as mentally. I feel like I've been needing to learn how to stop and address my emotions before everything else all over again, which is highly frustrating. I still need to forgive myself for being a damageable human being.

Other

Getting a decent amount of sleep every night due to a temp job that I get myself up at 5:30AM for.

Addicted to caffeine, though I've been decaffeinating myself for the past couple days, because coffee is not permitted during the 24 Day Challenge. Addicted to sugar and to salt, because I've allowed myself to succumb to the ridiculous amount of processed junk in the house on too many occasions.

Drinking plenty of water. Trying to get back into the tea habit.

Daily, I take: one 80mg aspirin (follow-up from a childhood illness); three omega-3 fish oil capsules twice a day; a one-a-day multivitamin; one probiotic tablet; three calcium supplements twice a day.

Occasional zit due to horrible eating habits and hormonal cycling aside, acne is well under control.

The first ten days of the 24 Day Challenge is a cleanse. This includes the OmegaPlex (which I take continuously through the challenge), and a probiotic supplement. The MNS contains truckloads of vitamins, and the meal replacement shakes have a hefty supply of calcium. While I'm on the cleanse, I will continue taking my calcium supplements, but at a reduced amount. I don't know for sure yet if I will continue taking the aspirin – I went for years without taking it and suffered no ill effects, before taking it up again earlier this year. I can't imagine the aspirin would hurt either way, however.

The guidelines provide suggestions for meal components, and they're pretty standard for cleanses and the like – fruits and vegetables, cut out sugar, eat lean protein and healthy fats. They also suggest eating five, six times a day, which makes me nervous given my BED. I've been assured when you're on the challenge, your cravings change. I'm hoping for this to happen. I need to break out of this, because it has not been any fun at all to struggle with; I wouldn't wish it on anyone, nor do I wish it upon myself.

Now's as good a time as any: The MNS comes in three types.

MNS E focuses on energy. MNS C focuses on controlling cravings (this is the kind I got, for pretty obvious reasons by this point). MNS 3 does both, and costs slightly more. All three are about pumping your body full of the nutrition it needs.

So, here I am, today. Literally, I took that pic about an hour ago. It's right after dinner, or my tummy would be a bit smaller, but you get the idea.

These were my measurements June 28^th (I've probably gained a little more weight since then, but I'm too lazy to retake them all again, and I don't think it'd make that much of a difference; either way I obviously don't have that much fat to lose):

Weight: 135 lbs

Upper arms, measured at halfway point: 11 ½ / 11 in

Bust: 31 in

Waist, measured at "natural" point: 26 ½ in

Hips, measured at widest point (with clothes on): 37 in

Thighs, measured at widest point: 23 ½ in / 23 in

(I include two numbers for arms and thighs because my left of each is large than the right. No really. You can even tell if you look which is really aggravating; I dislike my asymmetricality, even though everyone has a little of it.)

Using these measurements and a formula in the book "Protein Power," I calculated my body fat percentage at about 18.87% (or about 25.41 lbs), which makes 109.59 lbs of my weight lean tissue (muscle, bone, organs, hair, etc.). This puts me as underfat, which I personally disagree with, but my lack of menstruation probably has something to say about that, too... I know, I know, TMI.

Anyway.

Here we are. Expect another blog post when I finish this craziness, if I'm not compelled to write again sooner!

~Sarah

Baby Steps

Original Posting: August 2011

I want to say my last post was something of a red herring. I was doing better, true, but I wasn't anywhere near recovery. In fact, it took me until halfway through July to really make a breakthrough. The steps leading to that were many, and some more complex than others. I'm quite sure I've forgotten half of them! But the ones I do remember are the ones that had the biggest influence.

I want to pick up my poor broken self from three months ago, hold her close and tell her it'll be okay while I rock her to sleep.

My mind ran on multiple tracks; I was riddled with anxieties and fears and paranoia. Even if I felt better, I still felt that one wrong move would snap me, breaking me for good.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but that's a point I'll elaborate on in a moment...

I was in a pretty bad place.

I sought control over my thoughts. They wreaked havoc, ran wild, made my compulsions worse. The first step toward breakthrough happened when I sat down in a quiet spot and narrated, in my head, what I had just done – gotten up and made myself breakfast. For ten minutes, I described the sunlight casting through the window; the drowsy half-stumble to turn off my alarm clock; the walk downstairs to the kitchen; boiling the water for oatmeal; the taste and texture of my oatmeal mixed with chocolate protein powder and diced coconut meat.

For ten beautiful minutes, only one train of thought.

It led on a little from there. The next step came in completing a one-shot "Sherlock" fanfiction. (Shameless plug! Read it here!) Being able to narrate a story in a fluid way really did a lot for breaking past obstructions that had accumulated due to creative stagnation.

But things weren't perfect. My life still felt in turmoil. I still had a few weeks to go.

The first week or so of July, I realized that, all of a sudden, I felt a lot better. I'd wake up in the morning and feel decent. It took me a couple days to realize that I was finally legitimately recovering from the breakup.

But no cigar yet.

The thing that really did it was... Anyone wanna guess?

The cynics in the audience say, "Let me guess: God."

And I would say they're absolutely right.

I'm not sure how much I'm technically allowed to talk about, but what the heck; it's awesome, what happened, so I'll risk it.

There's something called Sozo. There's a person who prays, a person who guides you through the process, and a person who writes down the Truths that are revealed so that you have a record to remind yourself.

I didn't get a Sozo. I got what we called a pseudo-Sozo. But y'know what? It still worked.

Truths came out, indeed. My spirit got totally Wrecked that day. And okay, it took a while for my mind and body to catch up with it. Human beings are every bit as complicated as Rome, if not even more so; I can forgive God for taking His time with me. But I digress.

Here's the thing that might sound a bit off to non-believers: There was nothing said that day that I didn't already know as fact. What made it all so jarring was the fact that many of the truths were truths I had chosen to forget, chosen to deny, chosen to believe were lies. Truths regarding my parents and my friends – I didn't even consciously realize that I blamed them for feeling distant, for making me feel like my words didn't matter, like I had no power. Truths like I believed God wouldn't heal my earthly father's heart; I had no more intimacy with my mother; I thought God was nowhere in my family. These horrible, uncomfortable lies that I had been believing, and that I had been repressing for who knows how long (the one about Dad's heart goes back nearly a year, now). Lies that I had forgotten I believed in.

Holy Spirit gave me a soft place by a river. Holy Spirit gave me a cliff to push all of my struggles over into a bottomless canyon. Jesus drove a bulldozer through a wall I saw between us (no, really).

My life still felt in turmoil. But necessary things had been brought to the surface for me to process and file away properly now that I had time for them. It took me a while. But one day I woke up and realized I had done it. My mind was calm. I saw the sunlight and looked forward to the rest of the day even if I knew I had nothing at all to do.

There's so much more I could write about regarding my pseudo-Sozo. But I'll leave it there for now. Maybe I'll put up the whole thing later, but even after that there are still things I don't feel like I'm ready to share with the world. So I will move on.

I spent so long in mental flux, I still wonder every so often if it would be so easy to regress back into that damaged state. Maybe there's a part of me that refuses to believe it when something so extraordinarily good and miraculous happens to me. But I hesitate to read anything from my period of extreme angst because part of me wonders if it might be catching. I think that's unfounded, but there you go.

I still have a few steps to go.

The last thing on my agenda is the breakup, and everything surrounding that. I've gotten over the breakup, I think. I still genuinely believe that we did the right thing. I haven't really contacted him since the night we broke up, and I really don't know how I'll react when I next see him. Cos I'm certain sooner or later I'll run into him on campus, and I haven't worked out how cold I'll be.

Because I am not over him. That's distressing for me to realize, but I think it's only a good thing that I know that now, before some poor bloke ends up becoming a rebound because I made the mistake of thinking I really was ready to date again.

I didn't have time to establish an identity for him in my mind as a friend. It went right from new acquaintance to a person I dated to boyfriend. Shunting him to the position of "friend" might take some time and patience – historically, I don't deal with the people who break my heart very well. Usually I just clam up whenever they're around. I don't necessarily ignore them (no, that's only if their new girlfriend's in the room with them), but I don't speak to them. This is largely because I don't know what to say.

Of course, the last time this scenario occurred was high school. And while that wasn't really so long ago, I like to think I've done a lot of growing up since I graduated. So we'll have to see what happens this fall...

But as long as he isn't on my mind at all (which fortunately is no longer "all the freaking time"), I'm totally peachy. I wake up most mornings feeling alright, if more like I'd rather sleep five more minutes. Once I sit down to breakfast, I'm more alert and feel like life's worth it. There was a reason I got up this morning, and today I think it happened to be so I could make this post.

I think it's safe to say, at the ever-present risk of jinxing it, that I've found peace. Is it perfect? Not yet. Can I be content with where I am if I don't move forward? I believe I can. Heck, I've gone through it all before. For the moment, I am not plagued with anxieties. I've started working with my university for its summer cultural exchange program (yay, money! Oh, and, uh, learning about other cultures too, of course). No steady job to speak of yet (after a whole four months of searching – I'd say I'm doing pretty good, no?), but there will be work-study and on-campus jobs aplenty for the new school year. And I'm sure places near the school will start hiring once people leave to go to their schools again. Just have to keep an eye out for it all. I have a food handler's card now, which is handy cos there are a lot of restaurants and other such establishments around my university. I'm excited for my future again. I'm really looking forward to being back on campus, seeing my roommate and the other Japanese students again, meeting new ones who are studying abroad for the semester/year... And my roommate from Fall 2010 is making plans to visit me! I'm so excited for that! I have contacts who can help me find jobs, help me pull resources together for what I want to accomplish – including taking a trip to Japan where I'll hopefully be able to see all my friends again. And hopefully they can help me dig up some scholarships and other non-loan-like financial aid for Bastyr... But now I'm rambling; let's not put the cart before the horse, as they say. I still have a long way to go before I get to all of that.

What God has been trying to hit me over the head with, is that I need to stand back from trying to take total control over my life and freaking out when things don't go the way I'd prefer. This is a season to walk with Him; I need to enjoy the summer weather while we have it (and living in the Pacific Northwest, I know it doesn't last long once it finally arrives!). This is not yet the time to be itching for a job, even though I have been seeking all summer break. This is a time to stop and smell the roses like I have been needing to all of this time. It's something of a shame that I should realize this during the busiest month of my break, but maybe that serves all the better to drive the point home.

For all the time I've had off from school this break, I haven't been able to let myself really play. I don't know what I've been letting myself get caught up in that I haven't made time for regular recreation other than swing dancing (which I don't have time or money for anymore now that I'm working as a CA and trying to save money for this year and Bastyr).

There's a scene I wrote for a fanfiction where the central character has been dealing with much the same situation as I've just recovered from. The cause was different, but his recovery runs (scarily) much along the same vein. Another character tells him that he's done all he can for the moment; now he needs to step away from it, and go out and enjoy life like he's meant to.

I don't know if that scene will ever be used in the story now. It was written two years ago, and the plot has changed quite radically since then – although I will try to include it if I can find a place for it.

But I guess this is where I say I should take my own advice. I've done everything humanly possible to get my life back on track. The rest is up to God, as everything has been from the beginning. He'll take care of it, and He'll keep on taking care of me.

Here's to life.

♥Sarah

If I Were the Type to Make Resolutions...

Original Posting: January 2012

They would be as follows:

1 – Turn "Why bother?" into "Why not?"

A half-resolution I made last year was to stop putting things off until later – what was stopping me from going on a road trip (does Olympia to Portland count?), going to a live concert (Josh Groban!), learning how to do something new (knitting) right now?

This phrasing, I think, is more applicable to how I tend to approach things. I tend to not even try for certain things because I don't believe they will go anywhere – I won't be accepted to go on the JCET tour to Japan next summer (um, guess who's going to Japan for two weeks this May?!), I won't receive that scholarship, I'm not going to be picked for an interview much less for the job, he's too cute to be single. There's some persistent feeling of inadequacy that I haven't been able to grow out of, and it stops me before I even start.

I don't like asking "What have I got to lose?" when the answer is "A piece of my dignity/self-esteem." Which leads into...

2 – Learn to forgive myself for my mistakes and leave them behind me for good.

The transition to a new year is a good time to wipe everything off the board and give it a good wash. There are things I've done that I've struggled to make peace with myself about for one reason or another. Self-harm, the lies that came with it, my ex-boyfriend and all the secondary mistakes I made while I was dating him. Any time I've broken a promise and let someone down, including myself.

Not anymore. The person who made those mistakes does not exist anymore. And even if she did, she would be every bit as Forgiven as I am. It is time to finally put it all in the past where it belongs, and move on.

3 – Learn to listen to myself, and keep in touch with my emotions.

I've gotten a lot better at this in the past couple of months, but it needs to become a failsafe habit. Because I have slipped up a couple of times this break by going for the sugar when I should have asked myself why I was so frustrated at my brother and to a lesser extent my mother. Instead of taking out that frustration on eating candy (although, it was chocolate-covered fruit-flavored pieces – can you really blame me?), I should have asked what had me so irritated, why it irritated me, and what I could do about it. Since I don't have a job, much less a place I could move into, there isn't much I can do about my living situation or what food is actually in the house. And no matter how much sugar is in the house I always have the choice to resist, no matter how tempting it is. My brother is pretty much the way he is; any attempt I can make to change him is almost guaranteed to end badly for me, because he has a habit of running to hide behind Mom. Any attempt I've made in the past to get Mom to buy less candy (specifically for me, as in Easter baskets) hasn't been received well.

So it's all on me to deal with the issue, and the solution is very simple; just don't touch the junk. Yeah, it doesn't get me anywhere. But giving in to temptation doesn't get me anywhere productive, either; it only gives me a rush-and-crash followed by guilt and paranoia about fat gain. Obviously, this isn't an anxiety that I need.

4 – Get toned!

Since I'm an American, and a woman, I suppose it's practically obligatory that I put some image-related resolution here.

I'm well aware that I'm relatively skinny already. Granted, I've probably gained a few pounds since being home, but that's beside the point. I'm making no weight-related resolutions – I'm making a body composition-related resolution!

I can build strength, but I've never noticed that I can develop muscular definition. Perhaps I've managed to become slim enough now that any muscle built from this point will actually show up, but eh... We'll see how I manage with my PE class this semester... And if that turns out to feel inadequate, a friend at college has volunteered his triple-blackbelt services to whip me into shape no problem, else I die trying.

5 – Somehow, in some order – Read the Bible.

I've been picking and choosing random books/chapters to read all break, and that's all well and good. But I really would like to at least read through the whole Bible this year. I can't guarantee that I'll get everything out of it that there is to get out of it – and you're not supposed to get everything in the Bible at the first pass, anyway. It's a Living text; its meaning changes with time and with your circumstances. Song of Songs only meant anything to me last time I read it because I was trying to figure out what makes a woman beautiful. The past times I'd looked through it, it'd had very little meaning to me.

And in all things as much as possible, keep it simple.

~Sarah

Self-Image: My Beauty is Absolute

Original Posting: December 2011

"Don't let anyone tell you what you need to look like. You are perfect; you are beautiful; because you are Mine."

Daddy told me this last night, and now I'm sharing it with you.

–

Like many women, I struggle with body image issues. Like many women, I think of what I don't like about my appearance before I consider what I do like.

I know girls who have always been jealous of my body. I in turn have been jealous of other girls' bodies.

But I know now that just being skinny doesn't make you feel good.

–

I have lost a lot of weight since high school. Most of high school, I was 5'8" and weighed 150 pounds.

I just finished the first half of my sophomore year at college. I randomly grew an inch in my freshman year; the last time I weighed myself, I was 120 pounds. Considering that I was reasonably slender in the first place, 30 pounds is a lot of weight for me to lose.

It baffles me. I feel fine. I would be interested to know what a dietitian would say to me, because I got this way by defying "conventional" dietary advice – at school, my diet consists primarily of meat and vegetables. About the only grains I get are wild or brown rice and oats, very much in moderation. Fruit is generally limited to breakfast. At home, so far, it's been fruit (kept to breakfast as much as possible), yogurt, eggs, and whatever Dad makes for dinner (including leftovers the next day or two). No matter where I am, I drink water and tea (green, white, black, herbal) like a fiend. The point is, I wound up at 120 pounds through healthy means. I certainly didn't starve myself; I can eat a lot if I put my mind to it. I do tend to eat a lot that isn't calorically dense – yay, nummy salad! – but I balance that with moderate servings of foods that are calorically dense; meat, beans, frozen yogurt, et cetera.

–

Gain weight: Worry about people noticing, judging, calling me out on it. Feel less comfortable in my body, less confident in my clothes.

Stay where I am: Feel confident in clothes, less stress about people thinking I'm too thick, but know that people worry that I'm too thin. Which makes me worry if I am too thin.

Lose more weight: Worry I have a thyroid issue because I really can't afford to lose more body fat. Definitely have people tell me I'm too thin/that I need to eat.

The girl tortured by others' definitions of beauty despite her best efforts to focus on simply being healthy wants to cry out, "I just can't win!"

–

Last night, I went to a Christmas party that one of my best girlfriends was co-hosting. Her mother, and another girlfriend's mother, both commented on how much weight I'd lost, and told me I should eat more. Possibly they didn't actually notice how many cookies I ate at the party. And I had eaten before heading over. On the other hand, they are both moms, and I suppose it is a natural maternal instinct to make sure the kids are getting enough to eat; I'm probably going to be exactly the same when I have kids of my own.

I would be lying if I said I didn't expect this sort of feedback sooner or later. At Thanksgiving, at Grandma's house, I was so concerned that my family would be making a big deal about how much weight I've lost. Thankfully, no one said anything. But I'm sure now that they were thinking it.

I've been scared to ask my parents and even my closest friends if they think I'm too skinny, because I don't know what I would do if they answered, "Yes."

I lamented on Facebook once in the first semester of my freshman year that it was impossible for me to lose weight without my family thinking I was becoming anorexic. I asked if a size 6 jean was too skinny – consensus was no, it isn't. My then-boyfriend – bless him – told me that as long as I was healthy and felt fine, it didn't matter what size I was.

So that's the sort of mindset I try to hold on to in times like this, but it's difficult when the world says no.

–

So I came home from the party; I'd been thinking about what had happened on the way. I fretted about it while I took my shower, realizing that what I really needed to do was talk to Daddy about it.

And He told me, "Don't let anyone tell you what you need to look like. You are perfect; you are beautiful; because you are Mine."

Good stuff.

But I needed to know why I had to go through this – both extremes, of worrying about weighing too much, worrying about weighing too little, and everything else that comes in between. Daddy reminded me that He does everything for a purpose; that I am here, struggling with this, is not an accident or a mistake. He told me my trial is for the "doctor's perspective:"

Going through this will help me minister to girls who are struggling with the same thing.

I don't know when this will be; perhaps you, reading this right now, are going through a similar Season and need someone to relate to.

–

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, in the Message, says: "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."

The more I encounter it, the more I realize this was written for me.

Part of me feels like this is telling some big secret, but it's not a secret, silly! It's in the Bible! I am telling you my story because God wants me to! You can look it up yourself and see!

Heh; I get excited when I encounter my Life Verses. I can't help it.

–

Because I left this hanging, the "doctor's perspective" comes out of philosophy. I think it was Plato who said it, that you wouldn't let a man who's committed every sort of crime become a judge, but you would want a man who has personally experienced every sort of ailment to be a doctor. Daddy reminded me of it in our conversation.

–

So, what makes a woman beautiful?

Well, God didn't give me a straight answer to that one, but I got the feeling I should look through Song of Songs for clues. I can't help reading it as the love between God and myself. I don't see the sex in it, honestly. I see how someone can read it that way, but it's not erotic to me at all. It's the deepest mutual devotion.

The thing that stood out to me, though, is the Woman hesitates to accept that she is beautiful. Just like women today struggle to realize their own beauty, the Woman in the Old Testament cannot imagine her lover could adore someone so "plain" as herself. Yet the Man insists she is beautiful each time he speaks; he tells her that she is a lotus among weeds, that her eyes are like doves, that she is quintessentially feminine exactly as she is.

Daddy says, "My dove is perfection (6:8). Your beauty, within and without, is absolute (7:7)."

Because you are His.

…

Can't argue with that.

–

"Beautiful" is not a word I typically attach to myself. I consider myself attractive; I'll declare that I feel pretty on a particular day because of what I'm wearing or how I did my makeup. But I don't often use "beautiful" for myself because it's a word I want to hear others say.

And it is a Word that Daddy puts into my head. He sings "Beautiful One" to me in the shower. He calls me Beautiful, and it makes me want to cry with joy every time.

So I am Beautiful, just as I am.

And so are you.

♥Sarah