"Don't let anyone tell you what you need to look like. You are perfect; you are beautiful; because you are Mine."
Daddy told me this last night, and now I'm sharing it with you.
–
Like
many women, I struggle with body image issues. Like many women, I
think of what I don't like about my appearance before I consider what
I do like.
I know girls who have always been jealous of my body. I in turn have
been jealous of other girls' bodies.
But
I know now that just being skinny doesn't make you feel good.
–
I
have lost a lot of
weight since high school. Most of high school, I was 5'8" and
weighed 150 pounds.
I just finished the first half of my sophomore year at college. I
randomly grew an inch in my freshman year; the last time I weighed
myself, I was 120 pounds. Considering that I was reasonably slender
in the first place, 30 pounds is a lot of weight for me to lose.
It
baffles me. I feel
fine. I would be interested to know what a dietitian would say to me,
because I got this way by defying "conventional" dietary
advice – at school, my diet consists primarily of meat and
vegetables. About the only grains I get are wild or brown rice and
oats, very much in moderation. Fruit is generally limited to
breakfast. At home, so far, it's been fruit (kept to breakfast as
much as possible), yogurt, eggs, and whatever Dad makes for dinner
(including leftovers the next day or two). No matter where I am, I
drink water and tea (green, white, black, herbal) like a fiend. The
point is, I wound up at 120 pounds through healthy
means. I certainly didn't starve myself; I can eat a lot
if I put my mind to it. I do tend to eat a lot that isn't calorically
dense – yay, nummy salad! – but I balance that with moderate
servings of foods that are
calorically dense; meat, beans, frozen yogurt, et cetera.
–
Gain weight: Worry about people noticing, judging, calling me out on
it. Feel less comfortable in my body, less confident in my clothes.
Stay where I am: Feel confident in clothes, less stress about people
thinking I'm too thick, but know that people worry that I'm too thin.
Which makes me worry if I am too thin.
Lose more weight: Worry I have a thyroid issue because I really can't
afford to lose more body fat. Definitely have people tell me I'm too
thin/that I need to eat.
The girl tortured by others' definitions of beauty despite her best
efforts to focus on simply being healthy wants to cry out, "I
just can't win!"
–
Last night, I went to a Christmas party that one of my best
girlfriends was co-hosting. Her mother, and another girlfriend's
mother, both commented on how much weight I'd lost, and told me I
should eat more. Possibly they didn't actually notice how many
cookies I ate at the party. And I had eaten before heading over. On
the other hand, they are both moms, and I suppose it is a natural
maternal instinct to make sure the kids are getting enough to eat;
I'm probably going to be exactly the same when I have kids of my own.
I
would be lying if I said I didn't expect this sort of feedback sooner
or later. At Thanksgiving, at Grandma's house, I was so concerned
that my family would be making a big deal about how much weight I've
lost. Thankfully, no one said
anything. But I'm sure now that they were thinking it.
I've been scared to ask my parents and even my closest friends if
they think I'm too skinny, because I don't know what I would do if
they answered, "Yes."
I lamented on Facebook once in the first semester of my freshman year
that it was impossible for me to lose weight without my family
thinking I was becoming anorexic. I asked if a size 6 jean was too
skinny – consensus was no, it isn't. My then-boyfriend – bless
him – told me that as long as I was healthy and felt fine, it
didn't matter what size I was.
So that's the sort of mindset I try to hold on to in times like this,
but it's difficult when the world says no.
–
So I came home from the party; I'd been thinking about what had
happened on the way. I fretted about it while I took my shower,
realizing that what I really needed to do was talk to Daddy about it.
And
He told me, "Don't let anyone tell you what you need to look
like. You are perfect; you are beautiful; because you are Mine."
Good stuff.
But I
needed to know why I had to go through this – both extremes, of
worrying about weighing too much, worrying about weighing too little,
and everything else
that comes in between. Daddy reminded me that He does everything for
a purpose; that I am here, struggling with this, is not
an accident or a mistake. He told me my trial is for the "doctor's
perspective:"
Going through this will help me
minister to girls who are struggling with the same thing.
I don't know when
this will be; perhaps you, reading this right now, are going through
a similar Season and need someone to relate to.
–
2
Corinthians 1:3-5, in the Message, says: "He comes
alongside us when we go through hard times,
and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone
else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for
that person just as God was there for us."
The more I
encounter it, the more I realize this was written for me.
Part of me feels
like this is telling some big secret, but it's not a secret, silly!
It's in the Bible! I am telling you my story because God wants me to!
You can look it up yourself and see!
Heh; I get excited
when I encounter my Life Verses. I can't help it.
–
Because I left this
hanging, the "doctor's perspective" comes out of
philosophy. I think it was Plato who said it, that you wouldn't let a
man who's committed every sort of crime become a judge, but you would
want a man who has personally experienced every sort of ailment to be
a doctor. Daddy reminded me of it in our conversation.
–
So, what makes a
woman beautiful?
Well, God didn't
give me a straight answer to that one, but I got the feeling I should
look through Song of Songs for clues. I can't help reading it as the
love between God and myself. I don't see the sex in it, honestly. I
see how someone can read it that way, but it's not erotic to me at
all. It's the deepest mutual devotion.
The thing that
stood out to me, though, is the Woman hesitates to accept that she is
beautiful. Just like women today struggle to realize their own
beauty, the Woman in the Old Testament cannot imagine her lover could
adore someone so "plain" as herself. Yet the Man insists
she is beautiful each time he speaks; he tells her that she is a
lotus among weeds, that her eyes are like doves, that she is
quintessentially feminine exactly as she is.
Daddy
says, "My dove is perfection (6:8). Your beauty,
within and without, is absolute (7:7)."
Because
you are His.
…
Can't argue with
that.
–
"Beautiful"
is not a word I typically attach to myself. I consider myself
attractive; I'll declare that I feel pretty on a particular day
because of what I'm wearing or how I did my makeup. But I don't often
use "beautiful" for myself because it's a word I want to
hear others say.
And it is a Word
that Daddy puts into my head. He sings "Beautiful One" to
me in the shower. He calls me Beautiful, and it makes me want to cry
with joy every time.
So I am Beautiful,
just as I am.
And so are you.
♥Sarah
