On Running Away and Letting Go of the Reasons Why

Original Posting: September 2011

I am a ridiculous pacifist. If I perceive any – any – threat of conflict, I will do everything within my power and knowledge to avoid this, even to the point that this tactic will actually backfire.

I am also a coward. I am not only shy of conflict, I am scared of it; more rather, I am scared of whatever consequences may come of it.

I didn't realize that I had a tendency to run away until very recently.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before my plans to go to Bastyr University. For those unaware, it's a university that is basically centered around naturopathy. There are degrees in naturopathy/homeopathy, for traditional Oriental medicine, and a couple other things. Both undergrad and graduate programs are available. I have a fairly clear idea of what I want to do when I grow up now, and I decided that was the school I wanted to go to. They have a whole foods kitchen. That EVERYONE can use. Which is AWESOME.

My initial plan, which even now would still need to be solidified because I don't know what all classes are available or what I would need under my belt before transferring, but I thought I would complete this year at Saint Martin's University, and then I would transfer to Bastyr for my major, and then continue there for grad school.

This ran into a couple of problems that I was already aware of and that Mom made even more clear to me.

Bastyr, compared to SMU, isn't that bad as far as the total cost of tuition itself goes. The really painful part is the disparity in how much a person would have to pay out of pocket.

In choosing to go to SMU, I found myself very fortunate that I got a nice, hefty scholarship upon application that covers nearly half my total tuition so long as I remain a full-time student and keep my GPA high enough. Add other minor scholarships into that, and things are pretty reasonable. Yeah, I have to take loans, but it's very hard not to when you go to universities anymore.

Bastyr? A very large proportion of the financial aid to students typically comes from loans.

Hmm... in over my head twenty times in debt after six years of schooling there? I dunno...

But I thought I would be able to find enough scholarship money and such to help cover it, but now that I've been back at SMU for a month and know just what exactly I have to go through with my homework load and my other responsibilities and, um, having a life... It's hard to find the time. It was a stress that weighed on me more and more – here it is already October on Saturday and I haven't been able to dig for scholarships once since I started here again.

So then I had to do some thinking. I had to ask myself, was it really necessary that I start applying to Bastyr now? Was there a reason (besides content of classes) that I couldn't finish up my undergrad years at SMU and then transfer? It turns out I'm learning quite a bit more in biology pertaining specifically to what I want to do than I thought I would. And there are plenty of pre-med students here, so it can't be all bad, right?

Also, and this is very important: I like it here. I complain all the time about floormates and homework and minutiae concerning professors and minor inconveniences and occasionally roommates. But that's life; you're going to complain about the little stuff if you don't have anything really important to whine about. I love this campus; it's gorgeous, it's in the middle of civilization (well, Lacey... but Oly's a stone's throw away!) while still feeling removed because we're surrounded by trees on all sides, and I get a real sense of community because the student population is so low.

So I have very good reasons to keep on keeping on at SMU, but a part of me still wondered if it would be so bad to go so far away so soon. Somewhere in me I had a reason to leave, and now I needed to dig that out.

Turns out it had been staring me in the face for a very long time; I had stated it point blank to myself several times but never really recognized it for what it meant.

Going to Bastyr meant that I could run away from the person who hurt me.

I don't deal with the people who hurt me very well. I elected to go to SMU not only because I liked it here, but I knew that I would be running into a lot of the people that I went to high school with if I settled with a much cheaper community college. And by the time I finished my senior year, I was done with high school; I was going to get out of there and far away or so help me...

I've since made peace with most if not all of my high school demons.

Running away from my ex by going to Bastyr sounds a bit illogical when you consider that this is his last year at SMU, so what's the point, right? I realized that myself, pondered it, and then realized that, at the time, I had also wanted to run away from the place where I'd been hurt. I remember spending at least a part of my summer wondering if I could stand to be on campus for even one more year, retaining all of the memories that I have from the previous year.

And after I had been back here for my sophomore year for a couple of weeks, I realized that I was happy. Swamped with homework and deadlines and oh my God, how am I ever going to get it all done?, yes, but happy. The first week back on campus was the best I'd had in a very long time. I thought about transferring to Bastyr again and I realized that instead of being excited, I just felt sad. I didn't want to have to say good-bye to all the friends I've made here so soon, along with all the other previously iterated reasons to stick around.

The fact that my ex still has the one year here and thus I spot him around here once in a while doesn't really change the fact that SMU is my home away from my parents' home.

So I had a decision to make. I get mailings and such from Bastyr since I made an account at the website. I recently got a postcard announcing that they are accepting applications for next school year, and it was a wake-up call for how little preparation I've been doing.

So I thought about it.

And I have decided that I am going to stay at SMU for all four years before I go on to Bastyr. I just need to get comfortable with declaring that out loud (I have only said as much so far as "I'm playing with the idea of..."), because I have been telling people for the past couple months that I've been planning on transferring after this academic year is out. I hate to backtrack on my decisions, and that's the main reason I didn't want to change it so willingly. But the more I think about it, the more it really makes sense, and the more I think it's the right decision. It's a sacrifice of learning more about what I want to do as soon as possible, but I think I will get a perfectly fine basic understanding of things, at bare minimum, from sticking it out here. The more I read out of my biology textbook, the more I realize I had completely the wrong impression about college-level biology. So far it isn't anything I've never encountered before – more detailed, but certainly not alien – but it's all been very fascinating because now and then I spot a reason I should be paying attention to it for what I want to do.

I'm not used to making sacrifices, and here I've made two big ones in the past week or so. I texted one of my girlfriends that I feel like this is a Season for me to learn to make sacrifices and let things go. Especially letting things go; I am over the breakup, but I am not over my ex quite yet. I understand logically that I shouldn't be hung up over him like I still am, because the fact of the matter is that I can't expect him to still look at me the way he used to – because if we were meant for each other, then we would still be together, wouldn't we? And I know there's a good reason that things didn't work out – hell, I can give you a whole list of reasons I'm glad it ended! But there's still that little... if you've been in a long-ish lasting relationship where you got kinda crazy about each other and then broke up and then you had a very long time to think about absolutely everything that happened, you know what I mean. He took a piece of my heart, and I wish I could have it back

But more than ever, I've wanted to be able to just let him go. He is not mine, never was. It's not fair for me to keep thinking that if I just do one thing or another, I'll make him wish for me back and then I won't let him have it. But that's not fair; it's cruel; it puts a bad taste in my mouth. And in all likelihood it wouldn't even work. The most I can do is try to function in a way that I can look back and say that I didn't let it get to me. I didn't let it take me down (not forever).

So I'm thinking... even though making those sacrifices didn't feel like entirely good things at the time, I do feel like they're for the best down the road. I feel like I'll be glad I made those decisions.

And maybe... maybe, if I can learn how to make sacrifices like this, and learn to let thing like this go, even if only for a while... I'm hoping that continuing in this vein will help me progress that I will be able to let feelings, let grudges go. Sometimes I just end up forgiving the people who've hurt me, but that's usually because they haven't done anything that directly hurt me. If they have nothing to be at fault for, I eventually realize it and then I try to make it like I was never angry with them at all.

In the case of the ex, I haven't decided if he is indeed to blame for any part of how screwed up I was a few months ago. I know I was in a bad place just for not taking care of myself, so I can't determine at the moment how much his actions contributed to that. Never mind whether he was doing any of it on purpose, because I do wonder now...

But this is just the sort of thing that I need to learn to let go. I need to learn the bigger kinds of forgiveness. It's because I've never allowed myself to get into situations where someone or another is at fault for something and needs to be forgiven, that I'm not sure how to do it. I think it will be a while yet before I will be able to look him in the eye and tell myself that I don't blame him for anything at all anymore. I think I need to see if I can ever get past the issues and complexes that the relationship and breakup have left me with. I know it's going to be an incredibly long time before I'll legitimately want to be in a relationship again – I'm in fact perfectly happy declaring myself asexual for the time being. Maybe even aromantic, but all that's a whole 'nother ballgame.

To wrap up something I didn't realize was going to be this long...

Baby steps. God never gives us more than we can handle. I just need to walk by His side in this season of my life, and maybe sooner rather than later, I will be able to move on from everything that happened. I'll be able to put everything behind me. I'll finally be able to say without any shade of doubt that I have found peace again. I'll be healed.

All the best to you in this season.

♥Sarah

On Single-Serving Friendships

Original Posting: August 2011

Over the summer, I had the incomparable pleasure of hosting two students from Okazaki Women's Junior College in Japan. This hosting came as part of my duties for SMU's Cultural Ambassador program. I was a bit nervous going in. It's strange to think that after my fall semester roommate spent the three weeks of winter vacation with me, a weekend stay is still a big deal for my mom. The house needed to be straightened up from top to bottom (I wrangled my way out of most of it because I was simply too busy with ushering Mukogawa students around); we needed to have a solid plan that included meals and activities, and sleeping arrangements needed to be just right. Naturally things got a bit complicated once we found out we would be hosting two students instead of just one, but it was nothing we couldn't handle.

It's always a gamble when you invite someone new to share your space: I went through it with Mami; I went through it with Risa; and now I got to go through it with Naho and Naoko. I have been fortunate in having nothing but good roommate experiences so far; I'm just waiting for it to run out...

While Naho and Naoko were not roommates in the sense that Mami and Risa were, they were nevertheless people who would be spending the next 48 hours sleeping, eating, and generally just hanging out with me. And with these two, it was my job.

Fortunately, we got along quite nicely.

Language barriers can make things difficult, naturally. Neither girl was particularly proficient in speaking English (although Naoko often took the job of translator), and I'm not particularly proficient in Japanese even though I have been a learner for four years. We could bridge some gaps – and they both had their nifty dictionaries that all the foreign students seem to have and I really wish I knew where to look for them in America... (to the internet!) But something I have come to realize in my all-of-one year of experience with this sort of thing is this: True bonding happens with the things you do.

The first night that Mom and I met Naho and Naoko, we talked for hours over strawberry shortcake and green tea about their time so far in America, and about their homes in Japan. We laughed until we cried, and established inside jokes. I brought out "My Neighbor Totoro" to play in Japanese for them when it came time to take turns for showers before bed.

On Saturday, we went to the Bon Odori festival in downtown Olympia; I thought it would be interesting for the girls to see an Americanized take on traditional Japanese festivities, and we even saw other students from the CA program there. We actually got there about two hours before the dancing started, so we passed the time conversing with friends and sampling some Japanese food – hooray for curry! After eating, I showed the girls Capital Lake and the Olympia fountain.

Last year, I had the privilege to dance in the same Bon Odori festival; while I still had my happi (rhymes with poppy) coat, I didn't wear it this year because with my shorts underneath, it looked like I wasn't wearing pants! However, I did have a button-up shirt that my grandmother made with the leftover fabric, so I wore that instead. I did not dance in the festival this year, partly because I didn't quite remember the moves, but mostly because I felt sluggish; I had eaten dinner at home before I ate that curry. However, I did get pictures, and we did all have fun while we were there.

Sunday saw a bit of a disaster... I found out that morning that my ex-boyfriend had met a girl in Austria and was now in a relationship with her. I was crushed and angry and on the brink, and it completely derailed me. My parents got upset with me for sulking when I had a job to do, and none of that helped my attitude for the day. I walked on egg shells the rest of the day and wanted nothing more than to have the weekend over so I could go back to work as a CA. I felt like a terrible hostess and didn't know how to explain to Naho and Naoko what was wrong. They didn't force me to say anything; they sat and were quiet, and waited for me to come out of it. Then they made me laugh.

After I took the girls back, I tread carefully around Mom, who seemed to have decided to let it go for now. Either that night or the next day, she consulted me about giving gifts to the girls during the farewell dinner the following Tuesday; it made me feel better to know she wanted to include me in her plans. Naho and Naoko had given us both gifts the first night. I have gotten gifts from my Japanese roommates, and I got gifts from all the Mukogawa girls; it felt right to finally give something back.

At the farewell dinner, I realized how much I had already come to care for these girls over just that small, short weekend. We revived all the jokes, and remembered all the minutia of their personalities and tastes. We presented them with our gifts and they gave us handmade Thank You cards – which were absolutely perfect. I have them with me in my dorm right now; one way or another they will make it onto my dorm wall.

I didn't realize until I was leaving the dinner with them that it was good-bye. We all started crying without any prompting, and didn't want to stop hugging; didn't want to admit that it was the end of it.

I went through the same again with the Mukogawa group a week later; not realizing until the final moment when they all accompanied me from the bus dropoff to my car, that we were just trying to make it a little longer until we had to walk away, pretending for a few more minutes that it didn't have to be over.

It's hard to make that final farewell. I don't like making farewells; some people say "See you later!" And it's true that I can go to Japan, or they can come to America again. And, as I've said before, there's always Facebook. But I always feel sort of hollow afterward, like something's been ripped out of me and I have to find something to fill it back up again or I'll waste away. And it is true that something has been taken from me when that happens; a presence in my life that satisfied one need or another – or else why would they have come into my life at all? People leave and they take little pieces of you with them, but you also have a piece of them to hold onto for yourself. You only feel hollow until you find a way to fit those new pieces into the spaces of your heart those friendships left behind.

You know they're not a single-serving friend if their pieces fit just right.

♥Sarah